Thinking, thinking, & more thinking.

I'm over thinking. I don't know if I'm happy.  I don't think I'm being fair to myself. How can I make someone else happy when I'm not even sure I'm happy. Am I doing something wrong? Why am I thinking this way. Is it stress? Is it my relationship? I feel like I try so hard and it never pays off. I'm really focused on school I'm trying, I'm really trying. But I'm feeling angry and frustrated because I'm not doing as well as I want to be. Not only that but I'm also getting frustrated with my weight. I was at a good point in summer, I was content with my body. But now I'm feeling more and more self conscious. I want to feel good and healthy. I love my boyfriend, I love him so much. But having something to lose is stressful. I don't see myself with anyone else. But lately I haven't been feeling loved and cared for, which I need. I want him to show me that he cares. Because over been having my doubts. It's been six months now. This is my longest relationship yet. I love him. So if I need to fix my problem I'm hoping it doesn't affect my relationship.

Best Friend ~

So ever since I've gotten a boyfriend, I've kinda put things aside and focused on him. But you know what this time i'm not writing about him. Today i want to talk about my best-friend. We knew each other since like elementary school, and had the same homeroom in fifth grade but weren't really friends. We talked a little but, that was just about it. We were still little weirdos back then. Then we went to middle school and the first day we were both little scared sixth graders trying to find our way around. What do you know i walk in to my new homeroom and i see no one that i know, except for one. One person that i kinda knew but never was really close with but we both needed someone to hang around with. Ever since then we did everything together. Within the first month of school we were inseparable. I don't know what it was, like we didn't really know each other but we could just talk to each other. As the year went on we became the closes that you can get. I remember when we actually started hanging out after school, at first it was a little weird cause like we were still awkward little kids. But we went through middle-school and we stuck with each other through the whole thing. We made so many memories there. Middle school was the easy part. We did dumb stuff, got in trouble for stupid things, heck we even got an after school in 8th grade. Which we ended up thinking was pretty hilarious. Like detention was funny just because we had it the same day. Anyway the years rolled by and what do you know we make it through the first year of high-school. Still, best friends. Freshman year, i'll tell you, it was tough. I'm not going to lie there were a couple serious fights between us, but it was just petty stuff. I look back at them and realize how senseless they were. Not only did we have to fight through just our teenage hormones making us bitches, but also the guys. Guys complicated everything. For a good while we had the same interests and were pretty much attracted to the same guys. So we had to get past that, and soon what we liked changed and that wasn't a problem. But then there was sex. And drugs. And alcohol. And just all things bad. At one point it was bad she found out that i cut myself, which she might have known before then, but it actually was talked about. I don't really know how she thought about that, i mean i wasn't very happy with my life at the time, or what i looked like, it was just a depressing time. But soon after she found out i stopped, when she found out about it, it wasn't happening that often i was already stopping. But then she got into somethings, and she turned to that 'out' and it just wasn't good. Like when i saw her feeling like she needed to do that. I had enough, like i realized that it was time to stop. I didn't want to confront her about it, because i didn't want to make her angry but i wanted her to stop. I love this girl like a sister, and i don't want her to feel like this is the only way out. She was just starting but i was already stopped, i figured it had to run its course. But i did talk to her a little about it, i would tell her that doesn't help anything. And i told her not to a couple times but i knew nothing i would say would help. But it hurt to see her hurting. Then it got worse. She really really liked this guy, i didn't really like the fact that they had a thing because i questioned his intentions. I had known him for awhile and i knew what he was like with girls. He doesn't always treat them right. I just wanted to protect her from what might happen. But it didn't work she still got hurt and it got bad. Things weren't the best after he left. She got very depressed, i don't know if she understood that i knew what was happening in her mind. I understood, i just didn't want to invoke her and make her made or upset by talking about it. I admit i probably didn't know to what extent it was happening but i knew it was happening. She talked about this a lot, everyday she would obsess over it, and I use that term loosely. I mean i don't blame her it was her first high-school love, i knew it wouldn't be easy. I didn't know how to help her. Everything i did, it just wasn't enough. Nothing i do could make it better. So i thought that maybe if she just stopped talking about it her mind would let her forget it. Look i make mistakes, i'll admit someday i would get annoyed about hearing it, but i'm a teenager i'm going to get a little pissy sometimes. That doesn't mean i didn't care. I just really thought if she would force her self to stop making that the only thing she thought about then it would go away and it would get better. I felt like she was forcing herself to be sad, like she was trying to make her self believe that she needed this kid. I know that she doesn't need him, shes stronger than this. She can get through this. Shes a strong, beautiful, funny, kind, crazy girl and any guy would be lucky to have her. Its been just about a year since this has started now, and its a little better in my eyes but i know its still a problem. And if you read this Jasmin, I just want you to know that i care about you. I love you like family, we've been best-friends for just about 5 years now. I want you to know that i hate seeing you this way, and i know you cant help it. But i want you to know that someone cares about you, and i know i'm not always supportive and sometimes i get bitchy but when i do i'm trying to help you. Everything i do to you is always trying to help you or teach you a lesson so that things like this don't happen to you again. I had an older brother to teach me these things, that's why i think we think differently about a couple things. I want you to realize that, yes i know its good to feel loved by a guy and that i understand that you really truly had feelings for you know who. And i know how depressed and how bad you got during this whole thing, i understand that. You have every right to be. But you need to know that you will be okay. You CAN get through this, and you will find the right one. If it ends up being him, or someone else you will find him one day. I want you to realize how much time we have to get heartbroken. We have our whole lives to mess things up as much as we can. And dammit we are going to grow old and go through hell and back and experience everything, side by side. Don't stop your life because of high-school. This is only the beginning. If you ever feel like you going to do something fucking stupid to mess that up again you talk to me. We are going to get through this, and i know you feel alone but i'm right her. I love you, and don't ever think that you cant tell me stuff because i'll get annoyed or don't care. I care. It doesn't matter if i'm crabby or what i'm going to be here for you. We've been fucking shit up for the last 5 years, and here's to 5 more.

Am i cut out for this?

I've been thinking a lot lately. I don't think of myself as bad, or anything like that. I like to think i'm a good friend and a good girlfriend. But now, i keep getting my boyfriend mad. I feel like everything i do is just ticking him off. He's the jealous type, and i honestly don't mind that. I'd call myself the jealous type too, so him being concerned doesn't phase me. It shows me he cares, but then it makes me think he doesnt trust me? I don't do much for him to get jealous about, but he still finds those little things he can bring up to cause a fight. I don't understand, does he like fighting? I know i don't. I grew up around a lot of fighting, and yelling in my house. That's not something i'm looking for in my relationship. I don't want my relationship to be a repeat of my upbringing. I love Dylan so much. I don't mind that he gets jealous. But lately he's been getting mad because of my tumblr and the things i reblog.. I've been on that website for at least two years now, and i never thought it would ever be such a problem. He keeps finding ways to get pissed because of it, and he makes me look like a bad guy. I might just be an asshole but i don't see what the big deal is. I feel like hes blowing it way out of proportion, its just a website! Its just an animated screen with pictures and shit on it. I don't understand the big deal! I almost feel trapped. I thought i could manage him being concerned and wanting me not to do stuff, but now its just everything! Everything i do is wrong! That might be an exaggeration, but that's what it feels like. I've had that feeling my whole life i don't want that in my relationship. Everything i do, he has a problem with. I try to make it so i'm a good girlfriend and he doesn't have to get mad at me, but i just can't. He always find something he doesn't like. & When he does, it just makes me think more and more that he doesn't really want me. If he doesn't like anything about me, then how can he love me? I'm really interested in Photography, i'm currently in a photography class and i really like it. I would tell him what i learned about, or what my projects are. Then he'll just tell me how dumb it is, he hates the idea of it, but i love it. That's something i'm really passionate about and he just shoots me down, i don't think he realizes that hurts me. I mean its not the biggest deal but i don't know it just really upsets me. I don't talk to him about photography anymore..  I'm only saying the bad things about him now though. Yeah he can be a bit controlling with his jealously and he may not trust me but there are many things that i love about him. For instants, he has inspired me to change a lot, I'm a better person since we've been going out. Now that i have a boyfriend, i always want him to be proud I've been exercising more, and trying to keep my grades up. I also stopped smoking, which he hates. He made me realize that its nasty and that i honestly am not interested in it at all. Its just unhealthy, and i'm smart enough to realize i don't need to hurt my body to feel better. I don't feel the need to do it anymore either. I used to just have so much stressed and i felt trapped i needed an escape, and smoking was the escape. It worked i guessed but i knew it wasn't right, i had so many nightmares about that. It was a bad habit and i never should of started it. I didn't need it, i'm strong enough to deal with things on my own instead of just trying to run away from them. But now those problems feel like nothing. He makes me so happy, just having someone i know cares, and is there for me makes all the difference. I love being around him, he just makes everything better. Not only is he my boyfriend but hes my best friend i can tell him anything. I'm comfortable around him, and we laugh and joke and its just perfect. He has an amazing sense of humor, that's something i really love about him. He always makes jokes and always knows how to make me laugh. He can joke around but he also knows when to stop and be serious. He's sweet and caring and always there for me. I just always want to be with him. I love him i really do. And i want us to last. I want him and the jealousy, controlling, corcky, joking, lovable things he does. I find him perfect. & that's where i'm leaving it.

Friday the Thirteenth.

Friday the thirteenth.
The last Friday the 13th was in October of this year. It has only been 3 months. Tomorrow is again, Friday the thirteenth. Everyone knows that a spooky, unlucky day. But why? Well Now every Friday the 13th will also be my anniversary that i first started dating my current boyfriend Dylan Ritter. When you first start going out with someone you don't really think about the date, you just remember it. Well i soon realized that my date was sometimes unlucky. I really didn't mind when it came up on our two month anniversary because i'm not much of a superstitious person. I don't get sketched out about things like this. This time i'm feeling a little different. On our two month, on Friday the 13th of September, we broke up. I mean i'm sure it had nothing to do with the forces of other beings, or the fact that it was an unlucky day but its a thinker. I mean we got back together and everything is working out great now, so i don't think anything will happen tomorrow being the unlucky Friday. But what if that day really is bad luck? I started looking for why that day really is known as bad luck, yeah it was a show and based a movie. But still, why Friday the thirteenth? Why is that day soo bad. Its just another day, right? Looking into this, i couldn't find a stable answer. I found things that happened on this day that dealt with Jesus and other things from the past, but non of them relate its not the day it could have happened when ever. There is nothing special that i could find on this day. So I'm not worried, but i mean i guess it can fit my personality. Maybe its a cool thing my anniversary falls on a spooky day a couple times a year. I do like spooky things, i like getting scared, so maybe it was just meant to be. I'm a weird girl, with a weird anniversary. I asked my deer why he asked me out on a 13th and he never really thought about it, i wasn't really concerned i just think its funny that it is what it is. We are a unique couple and maybe it fits us, and its our date for a reason. And it always will be. So tomorrow Friday December 13th is my five month with the most amazing guy out there and i cant wait. Let the spookiness begin!

Dylan I love you so much and these last five months have been perfect. You are amazing and you make me so happy. Happy five months deer <3

❤Four months Sixteen days❤

Its been four months and sixteen days now. I honestly think its going good. I'm happy where we are in our relationship. You know i always have looking forward to seeing you to brighten my day. & now we are getting into the holiday season. This is the first time I'm in a serious relationship during the holidays, and i couldn't be more excited. I'm excited but also kinda nervous. Lets start with why i'm so excited, I feel like having you to spend the holidays with and get ready for them is going to be so fun. I love Christmas and getting ready for it. I love decorating the house, and making cookies, and listening to Christmas music. & lets not forget about Christmas movies! Lets face it, what girl doesn't like getting in the spirit? It's just so happy! & now i have you to spend it with! I couldn't be happier. I think this year is going to be just about 10x better. But the reason I'm a wee bit nervous is because we are exchanging presents, and I absolutely don't know how to go about picking your present out! I want you to like it, but i don't want it to be to ordinary or not special enough, but i also don't want it to be corny. Like this is hard stuff. We both got presents for each other last night, since it was black Friday. I know its kinda early and i wasn't going to even think about it till at least the 15th, but then i remembered how broke i am.. And i actually saved a lot! I think you're going to like what i got, and i really hope you do! Its not a crazy gift but i think its nice. It was cute cause we were teasing each other because we both want to know what our presents are. It really doesn't matter to me what he gets me, I'll like it no matter what since its from someone who loves me. I think its going to turn out good this year. I'm excited to start gearing up and getting into the Christmas spirit! You know a lot of people aren't very confident in my relationship, mostly because i'm young so i don't blame them, but they really don't know what we are like. They see things and assume that's just how we are all the time, when really they only know like a quarter of how we act with each other. Like for one everyone things we text 24/7, when really we only text when i'm not in school and hes not in work.. witch is usually like an hour a day, not including at night when he gets off. When he has off we either see each other, or those days we do text a lot. But what the hell if i want to talk to my boyfriend i'm going to. I don't care if you think its healthy or not, it works for us, so that's how its going to be. Then people tell me not to get attached to my boyfriend, okay for one i wouldn't call myself too attached. I would call myself in love but not 'attached'. You're pretty much telling me not to get too close to my boyfriend because you're implying that we are going to break up. Once again i see where they're coming from considering our age. But still, don't tell me i'm attached, you don't even know how we are. I see that you're trying to help but if i don't want to take your advice don't keep badgering me about it, if i'm doing something wrong i'll find out eventually and i'll learn my lesson the hard way. I'll deal with it okay? Listen I'm happy where i am right now, things are going really good. I can honestly say I'm in love for the first time in my life. So we are going to take things day by day, and if it continues to work out great. If it doesn't? then i'll deal with that when it happens. So far its working out beautifully, so i want you to be happy for me and stop telling me that i'm doing something wrong. It might be wrong for your relationships, but i'm not you and this obviously is working for me. Now i get to spend the holiday season with my deer and my family and i couldn't be happier. Time to start this holiday party upp. ❤

Love&Peace ❤

Dylan.

Its going on 4 months. So far the longest relationship I've had. These past
months have made me the happiest ive been In awhile. Sure I still have school to
worry about and family stuff going on, but when im with him nothing else
matters. We have a nice schedule going, we see eachother twice a week. Not too
much, not too little. I think its balanced. Not seeing eachother everyday gives
us something to talk about. It also gives us time to miss eachother. Which I do,
trust me I really do. I find myself thinking about him everyday. He works when
im off from school, and I have school when hes off so thats what causes our
limitations on seeing eachother. That, and gas. Gas money is another problem we
have to struggle through, or should I say he does. I feel pretty bad, I suck all
his money he makes into gas to come pick me up. We live a good 45 minutes from
eachother, and I cant drive yet so he always has to pick me up. So he comes to
get me, and then we go back to his house, and then he takes me home, and goes
back to his house. Thats a lot of driving. I hate making him do that but thats
what needs to get done for us to see eachother. sundays are our long days. he
usually picks me up early in the morning and we go back to his house. First well
hangout with tim and kierra then well have our alone time. He usually helps with
my homework too. We cuddle a lot. a good 2 hours atleast is used up by cuddling.
Which I love. I dont get to see him a lot so all I want to do is be close to
him. Then we have makeout time and all that good stuff and then its time for me
to go home. I always hate the ride home, sure we have the best conversations
during that ride but thats when I start realizing that its over till next time.
Which sucks because I know im going to miss the heck out of him. But I also
always have something to look forward to. I think that is why im always really
happy. I love it, and I love him. Sure I still have those days where I feel like
crap, but who doesn't. When im thinking about him, im happy. Ive never felt this
strongly about a relationship. I can honestly say im in love with him. we always
tell eachother how we want to be together forever. I know we are young and
chances are slim but I would be very happy if he was my forever. We are young
and things are simple now. The future scares me, I have no clue what we are
going to do next year when hes graduated and im still in school for 2 more
years. Or when we both have jobs and school, how are we going to make time for
eachother. these are the things we are going to have to get through if we really
want to stay together. I think we can do it. I have high hopes for us, but ill
know for sure when the time comes. But right now everything is great. I couldnt
ask for a better boyfriend. I love you with all my heart

x

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, its yours. If it doesn't, it never was to begin with.

You said you needed a break. Not just from me, but from everything. A week later you came back. Saying how sorry you were, and how much you miss me and want me back. You said I'm your one and only and you don't think you can go on without me. The whole time we were broken up I was in denial. I kept telling myself, this isn't the end. We didn't really breakup, were just taking a short break that's it. We aren't over. But even though I told myself that I don't think I really believed it. But it actually happened. You actually did miss me, and want me back. You felt the same way I did, and that makes me know what we have is real. All my friends were saying, oh you cant go back to him. You're stupid if you go back to him, he cant just put you done and pick you up whenever he wants. He left you, he missed out. Don't go back to them. They all had a point. But they didn't understand how miserable I felt without him. I don't see myself with anyone else. How could I deny him, when he's all that I want. If I denied him, I'd be upsetting myself. Why would I do that. This is what will make me happy I know it is. Maybe down the road something will happen between us, but no one can stop that. For now, I think the best thing is to stay with this and see where it takes us. I want him in my life. We are right for each other, I just know it. I don't care about what everyone else thinks, this is what makes me happy. I choose being happy and loving life, then hating every waking minute.

Ex boyfriend?

What are you supposed to say to your ex when you get a text from them saying,

''I never stop thinking about you''

You left me, and now you tell me that. My family and friends tell me that i shouldn't even think about taking you back. Because you lost me, when you broke up with me. But i'm still in love with you.

Family problems.

I hate school. When i go there, i can't wait to just go home and nap. I feel alone and just not the same anymore. This year i don't have as many people to talk to and don't see my friends all that much around school, its just a big change. I felt older as a freshman last year, than now. Last year my brother was in school, so i got to see him a lot during the day and his friends too. Being as close as i am with him, I always felt like it was alright. If i was having a bad day id be able to tell him about it, everyday. His friends watched out for me too. I'm a tiny person, so having them around was comforting. High school wasn't that bad last year. This year, i'm alone. If i'm having a bad day, sure i could go to my friends but i don't have that secure feeling that i had last year. So i go to school, have a pretty crappy day then finally get to go home. Then when i get home i realize its just as bad at my house. I come here and i deal with my dads bad mood all day, and i only get to hangout with my brother for an hour before he has to go off to work, and not come home to late in the night when i'm sleeping. I'll walk in the dear and then have more stuff to do. When i get home from school all i want to do is basically just go hibernate in my room for a good hour or two and just relax. I don't want to wash the dishes, put away this, put away that, make dinner, do the wash. Like no! i'm tired enough and i still have homework. Like god, can i just have a minute before you jump down my neck with crap to do. I need to relax. Then when i'm home i'm constantly stressed out about whats going on with my home life. Everyday i hear my day moaning and groaning about how he can't get disability and we are going through such a hard time. Like yeah i know, i get that things are gonna suck for awhile but i don't need to be reminded about it every freaking day all day. I don't want to think about how shit our lives are. Knowing the situation my family is in right now honestly scares the living shit out of me, because i don't know whats going to happen. I don't know what we are going to do if my dad doesn't get disability. My brother can only pay so much. Hes just a kid and he is going to have to pay the bills. That's not fair to him. He wants to go to the coastguard and he cant even move on with his life because his family is holding him back. Its just so messed up. Its not fair. Then i have my friends telling me about there guy problems and how they want to die because these guys don't talk to them, which I've been there i know how it feels but when i'm dealing with this family stuff i find that so dumb. (for lack of a better term) Don't get me wrong i do care and i try damn hard to help you and to cheer you up. But its hard to cheer someone up when you're dealing with your own things. You're talking about a guy and i'm over here talking about my whole life. Like yes, you're upset, guys are very stressful and can make you think terrible things, but you don't have to worry about getting money to eat that night. You have a family that can support you. You're not constantly thinking about whats going to happen tomorrow and if its the day you have to give up your phone because you just cant pay the bills. You're family is good, so you fight with your mom. Big whoop. At least you have a mom, don't take that for granted. Both of your parents are in your life, and you have the ability to live how you want. You are going to be able to go to college, with out a doubt. Me? I hope that i can go to college, but do i know that's going to happen? no clue, i would have so much student loans tacked onto my name, id be paying it my whole life. Is a life of debt worth just starting my career? Am i even going to make it to that part of my life? What if something happens to my dad, and its just my brother and I? would we be able to make it, what would happen to us. He's almost 19 but could we function together. I wouldn't leave him. I'm not getting shipped away with family.  I'm sticking with my brother, end of story. There's just so much going through my head right now, and you're sitting here telling me how horrible your life is because of a guy or two. You don't even know the half of it. You have security, you have stability in your life. I have nothing. I'm living off no income right now. You don't realize how bad this is, and i'm not going to tell you because i don't want pity. I don't want people to know that my little family is falling apart and cant support its self. I just really dislike life right now. I find it so unfair that my whole life i just get hit with something, time after time, it never ends for my family. First my mom gets sick, and we lose her. Then my dad gets sick, and is now disabled and just cant provide anymore. Now we don't have money. Fuck. Got anything else? bring it on.

Am i wasting my time?

I don't know what to do. I don't understand something. Are you going to go after another girl? Are you going to date someone else? or are you going to come back to me when you're ready for a relationship in your life. If I wait for you. If i wait for you to be ready, will that day ever come? or do you just not want me at all. I can't tell. It bothers me. I want to end up with you. I can't see me with anyone else but you. You're not like the rest. I need to get over you, but i'm scared to be on my own. It was so good with you, i felt happy. I was the happiest i ever was. Because of you i didn't take drugs or smoke or cut or anything. I wanted to keep you happy. I wanted to make myself perfect for you. I don't want to do that for anyone else. I want you to be in my life. That's all i want right now, is for us to be together. I want to grow old with you and experience life with you. I cant tell if you're spending your single life flirting with girls. I can't tell if you're going to get into a relationship with someone else. I wish i could ask you that. I asked too many questions. My friend told me today that you still want me, just not now. I'm not sure if he was right or not, but it gave me hope. But i see us changing. Not talking as much, and it scares the hell out of me. I think about not having you, and being alone and i just want to... i don't know what i want to do. I feel empty when i think about that stuff. Other people flirt with me and all i can think about is you. I don't want us to be over. But i don't know if I'm wasting my time waiting for you. Do you want me to move on for good, or should i wait? Are you ever going to want me again, or are you going to have someone else? Are we meant to be? Or are you just a chapter in my life that has seas to exist. I just need answers. I don't want to fall back into the position i was in last year. I don't want to go back to that. I'm tired of being depressed and sad. I've had enough of that for the past 9 years. Ever since my mother died i thought i'd never feel whole. That i'd never be able to feel happy like i was for the first 7 years of my life. When i was with him, I finally felt like there was hope. I felt happy. He filled the whole left in my heart for those years. But now that its gone, i'm empty again. I've gone through life feeling alone, and now that i know what its like to feel like you have someone i don't want to go back to the old ways. You left now, and i'm alone again. Happy didn't last long. I don't want to be sad again. Friends can help a lot but not as much as someone who actually loves you and wants you to be there's. I'm young i know. But i cant take it. I want you in my life. No one else. Just you. You don't feel the same though. How am i supposed to move on. I hate it.  Now, there's no meaning anymore. Does love mean nothing anymore?

Breakups.

I'm convinced that life just hates me. Every time i feel happy and comfortable where i am, and who i'm with, life throws me a curve ball. I've been known to over react a couple times. Something i know i over react with is breakups. But this time its different. It feels different. I don't want to except it. He started off saying that it was just a break, but then we agreed that technically its a breakup. He tells me that doesn't mean he'd never go out with me again. So what am i supposed to do right now. Do you know? because i have no clue. I love this kid. Now that we are broken up i feel like i have no one. I cant see me going out with anyone else. But i'm not the kind of girl you can just pick up and put down when its most convenient to you. I need you right now, and you left. You say the reason is, because you need to start putting your life together and thinking about what you're going to do after school since you're a senior. You are also worried about your home life and are stressed out about your parents splitting and think you made the wrong decision of who to live with. Which i agree is a lot on your plate, you know you're also dealing with school and work on top of that. So with all that, you throw me away. How can one minute you say you love me, and then the next breakup with me. When we started going out you told me never to leave you. I told you the same. My past relationships didn't last this long, and i wasnt treated the best. But you were different, i saw us staying together. You treated me right. You made me feel happy, i had someone to talk to. Because of you i stopped smoking and doing bad stuff. Now that you're gone i feel like i need that stuff to make me happy. I'm in denial. I don't think we are over. I love you, and you say you love me. I always tell my friends why want someone who doesnt want you? Now i'm in the same position and i can't take my own advice. If i listened to myself half the time, i would have so much less heartache. I have family and friends that help me so much but i still feel that emptiness. I know i need time and it's too soon to even think i'd feel better but its worse then past breakups. I feel like i don't want to do anything, because i'm always reminded of him. If he really loved me this wouldn't have happend. But then i think of him, he told me he couldn't be the best he should be for me. I didn't deserve that i needed better. I'm hoping he'll relize that he misses me. I hope that so much but what else is there to do. I don't feel like dwelling on this the rest of my life. Waiting for someone who decided they didn't want me, to want me again. I love you, and why you did this to me i dont know. Why would anyone but someone they love in this pain. They say, if you love something set it free. If it comes back its yours, if not then it never was to begin with. I'm going to listen to that. So i'll let you put your life together and feel happy and stable. I'll give you time, but if you take to long and forget about me I will move on and find the right guy. Whats meant to be will be. I had an amazing hear talking to you. You helped me so much, and i guess it just wasnt the right time for us to start dating. I love you always, and i hope you realize you feel the same.

So good

I find myself listening to so many different music genres. I'm not the type of person to just stay with one kind of music. When people get asked what kind of music they like the usual response is either, "oh i listen to a bit of everything i guess." Or there's the answer of just one specific genera. I know the first answer is kind of bland and might make people think that you're not into much music so you don't really care but i disagree. I think that might be the case for some people but others not at all. I have to answer that i listen to basically everything. I mean i'm picky with what songs i listen to but I find myself listening to different genres all the time. I love music. I don't like doing things without background music. When i'm home alone i need to blast my music. When i'm upset i go in my room turn up my music and just sit there and relax. I think you get the picture that music is a big part of my life. Music is a powerful thing. It changes your mood, and helps some people make decisions. I find it pretty interesting of what a song can do to people. Currently i'm mostly listening to like Indy music or like classic rock. But i find myself listening to rap and country and even like b104 and the pop stations. Why does my mind find beauty is so many different types of music. Some people say that you can tell a lot about someone by the kind of music they listen to. If that's true, what does listening to everything say about me? My music choices remind me of my life. I cant decide on anything, when it comes to my music or my clothes or food or anything. Why does my mind never know what it wants. I wish i knew what i wanted, because i always feel like i have to answer questions with "i don't know". Why don't i know. What forces me to feel like its not my place to chose. I want to be a person that knows what they want, someone that doesn't need someone to follow and go along with their ideas. I want to have my own ideas. I just need to keep trying. I want to force myself to chose for myself instead of letting everyone else decide my life for me.

3 weeks 2 days

I finally think I found a relationship that has potential to last. I was beginning to think I was never going to get into a relationship that lasted for more then a week. But now what do you know, my relationships still going pretty well. My first year at high school consisted of about 4 or 5 relationships that lasted about a week. With a couple of relationship kinda things that never made it past a friendship and never gained a title. I started to think that the only way to stay happy was to stay out of a relationship. Why go through the big deal of breaking up for a month when the relationship was only a week. When i would just flirt with my crushes it seemed like i could stay pretty happy. But staying single for that long, i kind of forgot what it was like to be in a relationship and what it felt like. Where i am now being in this relationship, I think i like it better than just being single and flirting around. I get to feel like i always have that one person thats going to be there for me. He makes my day everyday. I get told good morning and goodnight everyday. I feel loved. I like being cute, and holding hands and kissing and all that. Who doesn't want that? I didn't know i wanted that until now. I'm glad i have him in my life. If i haven't met him i don't know where i'd be today, or who id be talking to or what bad things id be doing. I hope we continue this, and it really lasts.

"The Only Exception"

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind.
He broke his own heart and I watched
As he tried to reassemble it.

And my momma swore
That she would never let herself forget.
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.

But darling,
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

Maybe I know somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts.
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone.
Or keep a straight face.
And I've always lived like this
Keeping at comfortable distance.
And up until now I've sworn to myself
That I'm content with loneliness.

Because none of it was ever worth the risk.

Well you are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

I've got a tight grip on reality,
But I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
I know you're leaving in the morning
When you wake up.
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream.
Oh-oh-oh-ohhh.

You are the only exception.

You are the only exception.

And I'm on my way to believing.
Oh, and I'm on my way to believing.

If i have to.. i'll deal

I'm in the process of losing someone. Someone that's near and dear to my heart. I messed up and i'm trying to make it up, but no matter what i do its not good enough. I don't think anything i ever do, will ever be enough to fix this. I deserve to be upset, for putting you through this. I don't know why, but i just can't let it go. I find myself chasing after you. I'm chasing after you just to be my friend. This might be selfish because I want you around for myself. You moved on. You could really care less if i left, you're tired of talking to me. You're just not mean enough to say you're done. You know i don't want to be done. That's right, i'm afraid of being done. I want you around. I want you in my life. I to be able to call you after a horrible day. I want to trust you. I  want to be there when you need someone to talk to. There's just something about you that i don't want to forget. 

If you end up deciding you've had enough,

i guess

i'll have to say goodbye

and just

deal..

Relationship

July 13th, 2013

Last week i got asked out by a wonderful person who i adore. We've known each other for a while now and ever since we started talking i knew there was something special about him. We met over Facebook and soon after talking on there we started texting. We would have fun enjoyable conversations about such random shit. One that i remember was about tanks and fish, cause fish are always a topic of choice... But anyway we finally met in person and realized we were ready to make it official. Its very unlike me to be in a relationship. Its different, and just kinda hard to keep up with. I'm that kind of person that likes to be free, and say what i want to who i want, when i want to. Now that i'm in a relationship i have to make sure i'm not flirting and stuff, which kinda happens a lot for me on accident. But now i buckled down and made sure everyone was on the same page as me. If i'm going to be in a relationship i'm going to do it right. I'm going to be the best dang girlfriend i can be. I like this kid a lot, and i really think its going to go somewhere, yet.. I still kinda am in that single mood. Don't get me wrong i like being in relationships, but i like when there's no complications. As a lot of my guy friends would know, i'm not one for complications. I unfortunately had to turn couple people down that i liked because it was just too complicated. If i want to be in a relationship i want it to be easy going, and enjoyable. I need to be comfortable with him and know that he cares about me and isn't just trying to hurt me in the long run. My previous boyfriends just weren't right and some turned into complete peckers. I was in a period of time where my relationships just weren't lasting. But i'm hoping this is going to be different. Its going really nice. I like where we are and he hasn't made me really mad or anything yet, so in my eyes its going pretty great! Welp, i guess this is just a check up. Its starting the second week today and i can't wait to see him. I haven't in a couple days cause he lives about 30ish minutes away which kinda sucks but whatever we can make it work.

bye!~

Does friendship mean anything?

Is friendship real.. When i think of a best friend, i think of someone i can talk to about anything and trust with my life. I think of someone that's always there when you need them and would stick up for you in a heart beat. Someone that would never turn on you or lie to you, or just plain mess with your head. I don't think of someone that would hurt you or purposely cause a mess of your life. I don't think of someone talking bad on you. Or someone sticking their noses into your stuff that deals not a thing with them. That's nothing like a friend. Friendship is based souly on trust. If you can't trust your friend are they really your friend? But if you can't trust your best friend who can you trust. Four years seems like a long friendship to me. I never thought my best friend would stab me in the back like this. But sadly, i was wrong. I don't even know if we're friends anymore.. I was always there for you, and stuck up for you, and i listened to your problems.. this is what i get for that? did i do something wrong? like i can understand you doing this to some guy that screwed you over, but why me? what did i ever do. Why are you meddling in my life right now. Can't you just let me be happy? Do you not want me happy.. is that it? i don't understand why you would want that. I mean i'm your friend. At least i thought you were. I guess i really don't know what i am to you anymore. Maybe you just wanted to get rid of me so you did something to piss me off. Well it worked so i guess.. uh take care. please don't continue meddling in my life.. please get the thrill from someone elses, not mine. please.

If I would listen my own advice I'd be much happier

Something i wrote a long time ago and felt like re-living.

Summer 2012
It was almost time to be worrying about school. Not just because I wouldn’t be able to sleep till any hour of the day anymore, but because I was going to be lost in my new school. When its summer you don’t need to worry because it seems like it will never end. I like to live in the moment and not worry about the future. Eventually it was about that time to start preparing for the new school year.. Going to high-school is a big adjustment. Just getting familiar with the school and your schedule is kind of weird to think about, same with knowing there’s going to be so many people in the halls that are older than you and actually know what their doing. Then there’s you…. having no clue where you are. A week or so before the school year of 2012-2013, I happen to meat this kid. His name was Remy. He talked to me on Facebook one day, I didn’t think anything of it because people always talk to others on Facebook  It happens No big deal. Then three or so days later we exchanged numbers that’s when we really started creating a friendship. He was going to be a sophomore this year and he knew his way around the school, I found that as a helpful resource to my situation being a freshman. Being the helpful person he is, when I asked about my classes he tried to explain the best he could how to get there. It helped a lot. I felt like he was this really nice kid, and I wanted to keep talking to him. I barely know what he looked like though because his profile picture was so old. He said he was ‘too lazy’ to take a different one. Eventually he sent me this picture. This is the first picture I’ve ever gotten sent to me by Remy. I thought he was kind of cute, typical guy friend. I knew I wanted to get really close with this kid. He was nice and texted me a lot. I wasn’t that much of a texter until he started texting me. Eventually we met in person which was funny cause it was for about 3 minutes at the end of the day. After we met I started getting feelings for him.. I started to think, damn.. this kid seems really great. As the weeks went on we continued talking more and more. We told each other about our home lives, and our problems. When ever I was upset or anything and had something wrong he tried to help. He was there for me. That was something i was lacking before him, someone that really cared. The months continued to go on, and I kept falling for him more, and more. I couldn’t help it, something just drew me towards him. About 2 months in of knowing Remy someone else tried to come into my life. I dated them for a whapping 3 days. They ended up breaking up with me because all they wanted was sex. I didn’t count it as a relationship, but it still made me upset. Remy was there for me. Then for another three months or so everything was just peachy. Until I tried to tell him I liked him. He didn’t feel the same. Not at the moment at least. Yet still he could stay up the same night and get past it and talk to me for the rest of the night. Everything was fine for a little but then he started becoming distant. We started not being able to hold a conversation. We stopped walking out together and he barely texted me. I kept asking him why. He would never tell me what I did that made him not want to be my friend. When ever I would try to understand he would get pissed off and just leave me hanging. This killed. The kid I became so attached to left. I cried a lot. So many pointless tears came out of my eyes. All I wanted to do was be his friend. That's all I wanted. I couldn’t understand why he would do this to me.. when I would never dare hurt him like he's hurting me. It didn’t make sense to me. We would start talking on and off for awhile. Almost good conversations, but very bad conversations. Then my birthday came around January 26th 2013. That morning I found out one of the reasons he stopped talking to me. He said it clear as day. He thought I was a whore. He said he stopped talking to me because he didn’t know how many other guys I was talking the same way with. That really fucking killed. I was dead after reading that. I chucked my phone on the floor. Started shaking because I was crying so hard. My eyes were blurry and I just didn’t even want to do anything at the moment. I finally decided I had to reply and tell them it wasn’t true. I told them I would never do that and how much it kills that they thought that. What really sucked was I didn’t think he believed me. I damn well know he was the only guy I was even talking to at the time. Only guy. My friends even know that. I wouldn’t shut up about the guy. To hear the guy I thought of as my best friend tell me that I was a whore and that's why he stopped talking to me. My heart was broken. I stopped texting him after that. I told him believe me, don’t. whatever. I’m done trying to make you trust me even though I gave you no reason not to. He's the one that would lie to me. I did nothing wrong. nothing. Later that day he did apologize.
"i don’t think you’re a whore, but what im saying is you should relax on all that stuff and just focus on making friends. If you want a boyfriend talk to someone and not 30 other guys. I think you’re really nice and im sorry to have upset you. If you don’t wanna talk then i understand happy birthday  i hope you have a great day. thank you for always being there for me, even though i don’t show my great-fullness i really do mean it thanks for reading this if you do."
"i don’t dislike you. you’re a great friend and im sorry for treating you terribly. im gonna change."
He said he was going to change… He has yet to change. He’s back to not talking to me.
I was flipping through my phone pictures when i saw this. Instantly our whole story between us flashed before my eyes as i started to tear up. He left me. I’m alone again. Why did i have to fuck this one up. I miss you more than ever and you cant even look at me when you see me in school. I miss us talking all night on the phone, i miss killing you on xbox i miss your singing, i miss your bad accents, i miss having someone to talk to, I miss your advice, I miss your voice, I miss your meanness towards me. I miss you, you obviously don’t miss me. I have to move on.. But i still keep trying to make you see I want us to be friends again. I don’t want this to be the end. Yet i can’t help it if it is.

 

Past? Present? Future?

Lately I've been thinking a lot. Too much, to be exact. Not only am i over thinking, but I'm thinking about stupid things. Normally i try to 'live in the moment'. I like leaving the past in the past, and letting the future come, when it decides to come. Right now i'm in the present, so why waste time dwelling on things that already happened? It's hard knowing things might be done or over, and that's dangerous territory. So why think about it? Our minds can be the most dangerous thing out there, but it all weights on whether or not you can control it or not. Most of the time i'm good and not thinking about things/people/events that have hurt me in the past or made me do stupid stuff. When i do think about the past though, i always over think it. Who am i kidding? I over think a great deal of my life. But sometimes i like to think i'm good at keeping things in my mind under control. I mean for what i'm dealing with right now, i think its alright most of the time. If i'm upset about something that's currently happening then technically i'm still listening to my logic. You know what though... Fuck sadness in general. It's okay to cry every once in awhile but when i'm old and looking back at my teen years i don't want to see me being sad and crying all the time. I want to see myself having the time of my life. Not craziness, just fun. I want to go out, and experience life. Maybe i haven't been making the best decisions, but at least they're decisions. I can't count how many times i get offered something, and i respond "i don't know". Like why don't i know? Why can't i ever decide. Its like i never know what i really want. If i could change one thing about myself, i would make myself be able to decide things by myself. I want to know what i want. I get so confused and caught up in stuff because of something someone else pushes me onto. I let my emotions from peer pressure and guilt control my decisions but they're not always what i want. I need to make a to do list. That's what i need.

To Do

• live in the moment
• think for myself
• stop saying "i don't know"
• get my mind under control
• have fun
• don't hold myself back
• go on adventures

I think that's enough for right now. 

I can do it.

Curve Balls

This week has been pretty rough. I've been having family problems, and so much stress now that i'm back after being away for a week. None stop i'm trying to get caught up so that i can relax. I was running around the school all day Tuesday just to find an administration or someone to talk to about making up my keystone. Honestly no one at my school is ever where their supposed to be. I ran around to about 5 different offices just to find out when i had to take this freaking state test. I eventually just ended up going to a random office telling them i need help with a really panicked voice, which was very unintentional. Like i said I'm under a lot of stress.. So then the lady called some people and she told them a sweet little girl really needs to know what she has to do about this test( made my day for calling me sweet c: ) But yeah that was settled. But I was also, and still really on edge because my dads been in and out of the hospital recently. At first i thought everything was fine, but now its just really getting to be. I don't know how many times i broke down crying to people when i was trying to tell them. I sought out my teacher who i had recently in the beginning of the year had a class with. She is a very kind lady and she helped a lot. Just felt good being able to talk to someone. She was glad that i came to her. That day i was also on aderoil that i got from my really good friend. That might have been why i was so... strung out i don't know. It sure helped on my test. But that does done and my dad came home today. But what surprised me yesterday was when i went to visit my friend before he got off work because its right by my house and i'm there all the time. I was standing there talking to him for about twenty or so minutes. When he finished he came outside to close this door i was standing at. Then he just kinda looked at me for a couple seconds. And he was like well i'll text you and then we did our little handshake. But then he didn't leave right away. He looked at me and said "Do you want a kiss?" And smiled. Then I said yes, and he kissed me. I have in the past liked him and i thought i was starting to, but it shocked me. He's so cute. He has a nice body and hes a good friend to me. He's a little older than me but what are you going to do you know. Three years, is that bad? I mean i don't really think so but everyone has their opinions. It made my day though i couldn't stop smiling really. It just made me happy. I don't know whats going to happen to us but what ever happens, happens. I'll rely on fate. If it doesn't work out it wasn't mean't to be, if it does? This showed me that you never know what is going to happen. Life throws curve balls. This might seem like complete shit, but they will get better. Tough times don't last forever. You just have to keep your chin up, and keep going. You never know what random thing, good or bad, is coming your way next.

Vacation with a friend

Tomorrow is the day. I'm going on vacation with one of my best friends who i love with all my heart. I get a week away from Pennsylvania, and everything that consists of my daily life. This is a week with no school, no worries, no drama, just fun. I get to experience somewhere new with my friend. I couldn't be more excited. I get to escape the cold weather and finally get to the warmth. I've missed it so much. I'll have a lot of work to make up... But its worth it. I'm going to miss my other friends though. Now i get to bond with my buddy though, its hard to keep in touch with people when you barely see each other in school. Bags getting pack time to get out of this town!

Bundles and bundles of problems

Today was one of those days... You know the days that everyone just seems like they all have immense problems. Like usually its manageable, but today no its intensified 100%. Then there's me who cares, and really wants to help but just... is too tired, and honestly doesn't know how to help anymore. Honestly today, the drama right now seems like bullshit. Guy and Girl relationship high school problems yes, police being involved? Are you kidding me. This is just another teenage problem, you really need to get the police involved... really? i mean come one.. Can we all just calm down just a bit. If you wouldn't be such a man whore, and just think a little about the person you're screwing over just maybe girls wouldn't come out to get you. Yes what he did was very wrong, that's understood. But then buddy you have to let it go. I know it seems really hard but you just can't hold on to it like that.. Don't obsess over the past. Its called the past for a reason leave it there. See this whole police scare can teach you a lesson. You can't let your anger control you. You can't get out of hand every time a relationship goes wrong or some guy just screws you over. I know it seems like the end of the world but its not. Why do you even want a jerk. Like really, there are SO many other people to choose. You have to understand were i am in this. I mean you being upset is really upsetting for me too. I mean you're my best friend i don't want to see you sad. I know this is the wrong time to say it but it couldn't be more right, i told you so. This is why i feel like nothing i can do can help you anymore. I tried to prevent this from the start. I told you from day fucking one, not to go for it. I told you he wasn't a good person like that. But you didn't want to listen you went right for it, disregarded everything i told you and just went for it. I don't mean to be harsh but you chose this hunny. And you could have stopped it a long time ago. You knew this was going to happen but you just didn't want to believe it. When you go for guys like him that's whats going to happen. But you have to learn to let the heck go. Don't attach on to something that isn't yours. You can't control their life just because they didn't want to be yours. That means no meddling, just live your own life and they'll live there's  You can not steel their things, or break them, or try and steel their car or what ever. That is not how this works. We are teenagers. Learn to handle rejection its going to happen many times before you find the right one. This is one fucking guy, everyone has a first Hun  Not everyone stays with that first, actually a really big percentage of people never talk to that first after high school again. Let it go. You will find someone in time. Don't waste your whole high school life over this one guy. Hes not even going to be around next year. This time next year your going to be hung up on some other guy. But if you don't let him go now, how long of your life are you going to waste feeling like shit about this one guy? Life isn't worth living sad, let yourself have fun. Get your head out of the gutter and live a little. I love you and i fully understand that its hard that you did shit with this guy and it was your first but, firsts are never lasts. Its time to move on. I love you, just move on. Don't know how long i have to say that until you do it. This is your life don't make it sad.