we made cookies 😻😻

It started off as just a plain old assignment but it was so much fun with you. I loved making cute Christmas cookies with you. They even turned out really good. We make a great team😘😻😻😻😍

Navy

I keep feeling over whelmed like I have a lot of problems stressing me out. When really its just one immense problem slowly gnawing on my emotions. I'm losing my best friend that has been with me through everything. Soon their going to be gone for awhile and I know it's going to be hard because just thinking about it is hard. I have to stay positive though because I know that this is the best thing for them and I couldn't be more proud that they are going and actually doing something with their life. The problem is that I've relied on him for everything throughout my whole life. It's going to be so different. Who am I going to call when I'm stranded at the park with no ride, or when I get out early and no one else is answering their phone? The hard part is I can't tell you how I really feel because I need to be supportive. This is your dream and your living it, I can't take that away. You deserve my full support. It's the strangest filling in the world not being able to talk to that one person that you supposedly can tell anything to. I just know that I need to take advantage of the time we have left and just make the best of it and that's what I'm trying to do. Now that you quite your job we get to see each other a lot more but now its so hard to get school work done because all I want to do is hangout and just have a good time. My teachers don't realize what is happening and they never do. They don't care what you're going through because you aren't special, but honestly spending time with my brother will always come before school. That sounds irresponsible but it's true that's how I feel. I'm just happy I still have my other half to comfort me and help me accept whats happening. He's helping me realize that it's going to be okay. I wont be alone I still have him. It wont be forever. I'm just really scared that once they leave we wont be as close. What if when he comes back, we cant talk like we used to. He's going to miss so much of my life. I'm growing up and this is the time when I need him the most and he wont be here. It's just so hard to even imagine what it will be like. Its hard to keep myself happy. As long as I'm with someone and keeping my mind occupied i think i'll be okay but when I come back from Dylan's and I'm just sitting at home that's when it hits me. I just hope I can spend more time with my boyfriend to keep me happy so i don't have to think about how lonely I am without my brother. I'm so thankful I have a caring boyfriend that is there for me and keeps me happy. It's not like I wont have anyone to talk to because Dylan is always there, but I'm just going to miss my brother. We've been through so much I just can't get used to being without him. I was always so dependent on him.

Thanksgiving🐔🐔

Thanksgiving was perfect. I loved seeing both my loving boyfriends family and my own. Having you around my family makes me so happy. You and my brother are the two most important people in my life and having all of us together was perfect. My dad and Lori both liked that you came to eat with us, and now my dad trusts me to stay over at your house. Almost a year and a half with you and we are doing great. My forever and always 

😍😘😍Dylan Pierce Ritter😘😍😘

bae got tatted 😻😻😻😻

Honor Roll, Navy, Year and four months...

I am doing so much better this year. I'm finally being about to maintain my success in each of my classes. I am doing my work and getting good test grades. This year is basically an eye opener for me. I'm honestly changing so much, becoming more independent, and just all around growing up. Even though I'm still a little on the edge about Mark leaving for the navy I'm happy for him. He is honestly just slimming down so much and becoming extremely healthy. I don't remember the last time he was this skinny. He eats better than I ever did. He's moving forward in his life and I'm okay with it. I realize I can't hold him back, and I'll be okay. It won't be the same but I'll be okay. This is a good path for him and I'm sure he'll have a great adventure. I'll be having my own adventures. Entering my Senior year of high school and I wont be alone. I kept thinking I was going to be alone when he was gone but I'm not going to. I have my best friend by my side the whole way. No one can replace my brother but as long as I have Dylan I think I'll be alright. Then I have the whole what happens if we get into a fight or so, but I can't think like that anymore. I think we've been together long enough now to know we'll be okay. I truly believe that. If something happens and we have a fight about whatever we should be able to work it out. A year and four months isn't just going to get thrown away. We've honestly been doing really good lately. Little fights here and there but we're having fun and experiencing new things together. I'm excited to see the new adventures coming up along our path. Knowing you have someone there for you 24/7 is the most comforting thing. I love having him to care for. Well the reason I started this was to talk about how good my school life is going and even though I'm currently writing this instead of doing my homework... It's going really good. And I'm proud of myself. I earned this and I'm going to keep it up, because I know I can do it. Hello 3.3 GPA can't wait to get you up even higher. (:

kyle concert was perfect 🎤🎵🎶🎼🎹

locks of love ❤

burning it ✌

I keep finding stuff that you gave me or we got together and I'm tired of it. I'm erasing you from my life completely. I'm gathering everything that has any connection to our friendship and burning it. I'm in the next chapter in my life and you're not apart of it.  I keep wondering what it would be like if we never became friends in 6th grade.

pennhurst was great 👻

This weekend was great. I love getting scared with you and being able to hold on to you when I'm scared and asdf. I really have the best boyfriend anyone could ever have. I love you with all of my heart ❤

stranger 👤

I can't believe when I look at you I see a stranger. How can people be so close one minute and then never talk again. Maybe it was for the best. I needed to grow and so did you. We needed to go our separate paths. Maybe this was good maybe it was bad, but a lot of good things have happened because of it. This experience taught me that I need to make more friends, and find people who I can trust and like me for me. I've succeeded in that. I have my one and only still, and I've met so many people this summer. People who are trust worthy and are enjoyable to be around. My life is finally not surrounded by lies and secrets. I hope one day you can experience what its like to not have to worry about who is lying to you or what lie you're going to tell next. Maybe then you'll realize how hurtful you were and how many unnessasary lies you told to people you card about. You're always talking about karma coming back to other people, but what about you?

Photography ~

New friends new memories new adventures ❤

My fancy tumblr ✌✌

nonsensee

“Autumn...the year's last, loveliest smile."

Excited

So excited to go to the concert next month with my love. Dylan came to work and met the rest of mg work friends. I think they like him. Which makes me really happy, because I've grown really close to them and if we could all he together after the season that would be great. They're great people and so is Dylan so it would just be perfect. School friends are nothing compared to work friends. I'm just done with the high school drama if you want to be my friend be my friend. If you want drama, find someone else cause I'll walk away. I dont need drama I've met all the cool people basically. ✌✌

Winter is coming ❄⛄

I hate not being able to see you. Work keeps getting in the way and bleh. Its stressing me out that our time is getting smaller again.  Why can't it just be summer again. We got to see each other so much. And I feel like that's why everything happened last winter and I really don't want to even come close to that again. We know we both love each other and will make it work no matter what. This won't break us, because we are meant to be. And that sounds corny but that's what I believe. I just miss you

I don't know what I want in life. I'm starting to worry. I feel like I'm growing up this year. SAT, driving, buying a car, working asdf. This is all just coming at me full force. I'm trying to keep my grades up this year to bring my gpa up. I did kind of bad freshman year and some of sophomore year so now I feel extra stressed out to have good grades. Not only that but I don't have enough time. School work takes forever to complete, because I get sidetracked every five minutes.. like right now for example, I should be finishing my homework. My grandmother called me about a week ago, I've been meaning to get back to her but I work all day on the weekends come home and then don't feel like doing anything. It's not like I don't like work either, I actually recently have been loving it. I love Halloween, and I love seeing my work friends. But work is getting in the way of my Dylan time, and that I don't like.. I know I shouldn't freak out about one day but I just want to be with him as much as I can. He makes me less stressed and just feel better. I just need to get my graduation project done and just make time stop. I don't even know.

Sorry

I feel like I have to say something. I'm sorry to the people I've hurt in my life or all the people that I've pissed off that didn't deserve it. I try my hardest to be there for my friends, and make everyone happy. But I have my days where I slip and end up not caring.. Or just too concerned with myself. But honestly, I'm making a lot if close friends this year and I just want to be there for them. By now if your still my friend that means something. I want to be friends with people who I'll actually care to talk to after high school. Which is coming up sooner than later, which kind of scares me but that's a different topic.. But I really just have been getting close to my friends again which fit some reason just got away from me. They like me for who I am, even when I'm a bitch one day they still stick around. Ever since I got close to Sarah, everything is just going really good. Like yeah I had friends and of course my boyfriend but everyone needs that best friend. Honestly I feel so close to her and we haven't even known each other that long. But I'm glad we met each other. She's just fun, and I needed someone to have fun with and go to parties with and hangout with. Like I feel like i finally have a potential partner in crime again. Ever since I've had the talk about college and like how I'm actually growing up now... I just I want to get close to the people that I actually care about. I need to make those last good memories. Junior year is going to be a good one I can feel it, but a stressful one. At least I'll always have Dylan who helps me through everything without him I wouldn't be able to get through everything. He is life, we've grown so close over the past year, he's to another winter. I'm so excited for the fall season. I love scary things so this is like the best. And I love being able to experience things with my ba. Pumpkin carving, corn mazes, haunted houses, perfection. God I love you. I'm going to need close friends when my brother goes to the navy. I want him to so what he wants but he helps me so much. And I'm going to miss him so much.. But I can't tell him that because I want him to do what makes him happy. Those two people alone have made me who I am today. They deserve so much thanks. I don't know what I'd do with out them.

Stability

I finally found someone who I can have fun with and trust. Things are starting to settle and I'm glad. It feels so good to actually have a girl i can talk to and hangout with again. I have my best friend and my boyfriend. I'm happy with where I am. I have people that care about me, I'm working, I got my permit, I'm doing good in school. I'm content with myself. Now I just need to start working out again so I can get in shape. Junior me is turning out to be pretty good.

Take me back to the days where being friends meant something and memories weren't of strangers

harvest moon 🌕

Change

Summer is over, here I am back in school. Soon I wont be at work anymore, but back to the homework essays and all that. Part of me doesn't want it to end, I'm beginning to see i like my work friends better than my school friends. There's no cliches. I got to start over and make a lot of new friends. This summer opened my eyes about how much high school doesn't matter. Well, in the social sense that is. These kids wont be around forever, there are so many other situations you will be put in and so many places you will go to meet new people. I don't want to make new friends at school, the ones i talk to are my friends for a reason. I just don't want to meet new people there because they are full of judgement and stupidity. I will be nice to them but like me don't like me? I don't care. I have my friends, I have my family, I have my boyfriend. I have the people who i want to know and want to think good of me. Everyone else have opinions that don't matter to me. I also got my permit this morning which really excited me. I was so nervous even though I knew the information. I hate how nervous I get. I felt really good afterwards though, I felt good. Now I just need to learn how to drive. Here's to the beginning of school and the end of work. Junior year here I come.

School

Well tomorrow is the big day.. well not that big. First day of junior year. I'm excited to see everyone and meet new people but I'm just not done with summer. It's been amazing, I met so many people that I'm going to miss seeing everyday. I'm not quite done with work yet but its approaching quickly. Thankfully my new friend Sarah goes to my school so she will be there which is good. We really hit it off from the first day. But that's not the situation for everyone else, aute is already done. She's honestly one of the best people I have met. She was there for me and joked around and had been with me since the beginning. As much as I didn't like working I met so many good people and really had a good summer. Most importantly I got to spend so much time with my boyfriend. We made so many new memories too. From going to the waterpark, having picnics, playing tennis, having our one year anniversary. I love him so much and I'm excited to see where our relationship will go next. Even though we get on each others nerves sometimes I know what we have is real. I'm glad I have him. Welp here's too a new school year and a new beginning.

This is goodbye✌

I've been thinking about this a lot. And thinking about what's best and what I really want. I thought maybe we could just be civil. I hate seeing someone and having to be awkward, like why can't there be conversation. And who knows maybe there could have been a friendship build onto there. But I think I'm writing this to say goodbye. We've had some good times but I think we've come to the end of the road. I really hope you have a good life and enjoy the choices that you made and the future choices. You seem very happy and I'm glad. We went our separate ways and you seem to be doing a lot better and I've been doing good too so I think this is for the better. You're right, why change things when your happy with what you have? I wish you the best. I hope the parent life does good for you. Goodbye ✌

Sleepover with the best

Last night was pretty fun. I've been friends with you for awhile but we don't see each other that much. Every so often one of us will out of the blue text each other and be like ayeee want to hang out? Then we drive around and just talk and talk and talk. Because we are buddies but we never see each other. We like a lot of the same stuff and we live pretty close so i mean if we really wanted to we could potentially hangout a lot. After hanging out for about two hours last night we decided we didn't want to go home yet, so we decided to just have a sleep over. Over the course of last night and this morning she was telling be about how her relationship was going and i realized how similar we were. She gets shy like me and doesn't know what to say half the time, and gets jealous and just yeah. But the difference is my boyfriend understands how I am and our relationship just works. We text all the time, that we can. We don't hangout with others of the opposite sex. We tell each other everything, and we talk on the phone at night. Basically we know what the other is doing all the time. We care about each other a lot and just always want to talk and it's like screw everyone else. But with her, she wants that kind of relationship because she had it but now shes telling me more and more about it, and it seems like it fading completely. Her boyfriend doesn't drive yet, but he lives pretty close. They go days without texting. When she told me that I was like holy crap. Even if you won't get to talk to your mate all day, there should always be a good morning and a goodnight text. That's just how it should be.. It shows that you care about them and how there day goes and how they sleep and just it's a good thing to do for a good relationship. Then she told me that when they do text they have nothing to talk about. She isn't the best texter, but he doesn't help the situation. She tries to start conversations and stuff but he just doesn't give it back. Both people need to try. She also shared with me how whenever they hangout he seems to only want sex. To me it seems like he's fading away, like he is caring less and less. I don't want her to get hurt because she's one of my good friends. I tried to give her some advice. Another thing that would make me suspicious of something is that he absolutely will not let her see his phone. Not even an option. He takes it away whenever she gets the chance to look at it at all. Even when she's just messing around, looking at the pictures and stuff. That's a little fishy to me. I told her to just straight up say she wants to like play with his phone or something. Like why would he care if he has nothing to hide? She said she really wants to look at it the next time they hangout. I hope she does, but i also hope she doesn't find anything. He seems like a good guy. I used to hangout with them all the time. But maybe he's not as cool as he seems you never know. I also suggested that next time they hangout and he wants to have sex like right away or whatever to possible just tell him she wants to just hangout and cuddle or something, because sometimes girls just need that. I think how he reacts will say a lot about how he feels about the relationship. I just hope she doesn't get hurt. She's a really cool person, a little shy but once she's comfortable she's a fun person. I really think we need to hangout more. I kind of just want to get her boyfriend problems off her mind because i can tell it's bothering her a bit. Last night was fun though. Besides the boyfriend conversations we also talked about a lot of stuff we just hit it off every time we hangout. If we would hangout more again we could become really good friends. My brother asks me all the time, is she the new bestie and i'm like there's potential. Today we were driving around in her car going to the bank and some stores and stuff. But then her car didn't start so i called my brother and like he saved the day and i feel like that made us that much closer. Like, memories in the making. She's not the only one I've been getting close to, I'm trying to make new friends but the rest are work buddies. But I've hit it off pretty good with a couple of them too and it's making me feel good about myself. I want to hangout with friends more. It just makes me feel cooler i guess haha. But I mean i think that's just because i see my brother who is like who i look up too and he has so much fun with his friends. I want to have fun like that, with my own friends. I mean i'll always have my best friend, my boyfriend. Which is more than enough to make me happy.

Boyfriend and Brother > everything and everyone else

Jesus H Christ ✌ ✌ ✌

Lol you don't get it. I was mean because I cared. Everything I ever said was me trying to help you. Maybe you'll never understand that. But one day, if you do realize that all I was trying to do was help you, get a hold of me. You can say I was a horrible friend because I called what you were doing stupid it stupid or whatever. Yeah I was harsh I know that, but I wasn't the only one to do wrong. I was truthful. I never tried to pull anything over on you, because you were my friend. I tried to help you and if that made me a bad friend then I apologize. All I wanted was you to have a good life but I guess we don't see it the same way. I see my life before I have kids and a family. I want to experience things, travel, live. I want a good education a steady job and a husband before I even consider kids. Because I've seen what it does to you. You're not the kid anymore. A parents job is stressful and I want to be ready for it when I decide that I am. You know why? Because I want to be the best that I can be when I'm a mom. I never want my kids to feel unloved. I want them to have a family. But till then I want to live it up. I want to do what I want and make memories. I want to have stories to tell my grand children. But I'm not going to be dumb and get myself killed. I want a long life. A full happy life. This is my time. When I have kids, its their time.

Probably the most relatable post I've ever seen.

Memories ☮☮☮

☑picnic

☐ zoo

☑stargaze

☑bowl

☑tennis

☐soccer

☑swim

☑beach

☑pictures

☑Dorney Park

☑draw

☐drive in 

☐carnival

I made this checklist at the beginning of summer and this is the first time I'm looking at it. My boyfriend actually made a lot of memories this summer ☼☼☼☼

Dylan and I have done a lot of this so far this summer. I'm really happy about it, every so often well get some food and just go to the park and hang out and it's like a little picnic. The park is our place. We go there all the time. This once we sat on the hood of his car at night and just looked at the stars. We were honestly so tired that night but that moment just meant a lot to mean. Astronomy is an interest of mine and to sit there and share it with my love just meant the world to me. I love doing things with him, bonding. I like stars but he likes bowling. I like bowling, but it's not something that I'm good at. I suck so bad at bowling but i like doing it with him because he enjoys it, and I enjoy anything when I'm doing it with him. But we did something that wasn't on my checklist. We got a pet together. 

I mean it's just a fish. 

But i love him, and his name is Lennie. 

I don't even know. ¿¿¿¿

I'm so mixed up. I don't understand why I care. I think I just miss who you were. Before the guys and the drama. High school changed you. I don't understand why it bothers me, when I don't even think you've thought of it once. I'm so moved on but there's always that little tick in the back of my mind saying that for some reason I wish it never happened. Because when I'm with everyone else I don't care. But literally everything I do I'm like oh yeah I remember that one time.. wait stop I don't talk to them anymore.. like wtf. I just don't understand why it meant absolutely nothing to you, and it was just nothing to let it go. You were like family. But then the lies? Using me? Obsessing over guys? Doing insane things? Like what happened to just having a good time. I tried to be there for you. And help you as much as I could but I can't control what you do. And I need to worry about myself. But it was just so easy for you to leave. And never look back because now you have something else to obsess over. And nothing else matters right? Because who needs friends. And people to be there for you. I want to delete you from my life completely because you obviously were not worth 6 years of memories. Fuck me for caring.

Up all night ✌

I finally had something to draw. Just thinking about it made me jumpy. I was going to wait till tomorrow morning but I just couldn't. So I started tonight, and I finished tonight. Two different pieces technically. I like making something that i feel good about. When i can look at something i made and be able to tell myself that i did a good job, it's just a really good feeling. I want my art to go somewhere. I'm not the best out there, but I think I have potential. I want to improve in till there is nothing more i can improve: in till I can not get any better. This is just a hobby that can be with me forever. I just find it so amusing to sit down and have something i want to draw and create. I like making something interesting. I hope other people think it's good too. But I enjoyed it, and that's all that matters. I made myself feel accomplished. I love the feeling after i finished my work. now its almost 3 am.. I think I should go to bed soon. Thanks random girl on instagram for being my muse tonight
✌ ✌ ✌ ✌

7.13.13

Yesterday was our one year anniversary. I couldn't have asked for a better day. I got to spend all day with him. We wrote each other notes about how much we love each other. He really is my other half. He makes me so happy, and just always makes me laugh. Just laying around with him and talking makes me happy. Anything else is a plus. I love you Dylan. I couldn't see myself with anyone else. You are mine. Always and forever.

Reconnecting

Im done pushing people out of my life. Im getting my friends back. My true friends that put up with me bot responding for whatever reasons. & most importantly I reached out to my sister. I texted her and she called me and we caught up. She said I really made her night.. I know we've been kind of not on the best terms but shes my sister and I love her. And I'm going to suck it up and just try to work it out. I wish we were closer.

This past week was absolutely perfect. I spent 6days at the beach with my favorite person and his family. This Sunday is our one year anniversary. I can't believe its been that long. He is still so perfect and I love him more everyday. I honestly am in love with him. He's my everything he picks me up when im down and always can make me laugh. & when he's mad I can calm him down and make him happy which makes me really happy. Dylan we are kinda different in our interests but something works for us because we are perfect. I love you. And I hope we have many more anniversaries to go.

Just like that

In a blink of an eye, here I am a year later. So much has happened in the last year. Everything changed. Growing up hits you just like that. Now i'm going to be a junior with a boyfriend of a year. And i'm going to school without a best friend this year. Or at least a different one from the past 6 years. But i guess that's growing up. Growing up comes with finding out who your real friends are and who is actually there for you when you need them. But you know what its okay, I'm making new friends. And you know what it feels good. New friends, new job, no braces, perfect boyfriend. I think that's pretty good. I'm happy. And I'm staying that way. No one, is going to get in my way. Bad days are one thing, but a good summer is what I'm after.

Deer,
Im so glad that you're mine. You've helped me so much throughout this whole relationship, especially these past several months. I don't know where I would be without you. I love you so much. We're creating really good memories and just I love being with you. You and me always. That's how it needs to be. The beach was perfect. Waking up next to you just felt so right. Waking up in the middle of the night looking over and seeing you right beside me.. perfection. I felt safe. We were playing so many games and stuff and just asdgg cx it was fun and we were a cute couple just kike we wanted to be last year when we started dating. Oh my god. Its almost a year that we've been together. Dylan this has been the best year of my life. I hope we are together for many more years. I never want to let you go. I love you to the moon and back and then some. You are the only person other than my mom that I said that to. I used to say that to her every night. I feel like the reason I want to say it now is because you filled the hole that I had when she left. You made me feel whole. Sorta like you completed me? That sounds so corny oh my god. But its true.. I need you. You are my forever. It will be 11months in 13 days.. where did the time go. I hope there are many more months years to go. I love you.

Mom

I'm trying not to let this weekend upset me. I'm trying to not get upset thinking about my mother. I want to stay happy. I'm tired of being sad, i want to stay happy. I'm fine when I am doing things and I can get it off of my mind, but when I'm alone.. I don't know it gets harder. It gets harder to not upset myself. I think I've been better this past week or so. I've been thinking about I'm trying to stay positive. The other day, while i was running i started thinking. I was thinking about who i was. I'm content with myself for the most part right now. For the last couple years I've been developing changing and growing. I've been changing my interests my image. I'm active, i run and get some exercising in most of my days. I've also been drawing more, and the pictures that I'm drawing I'm working really hard on. When i make something I'm proud of, that makes me feel good. I'm controlling my weight for the most part too. I'm not exactly where I want to be but I'm getting there hopefully this summer I'll get to my ideal weight. I've also just started a job, I'm making my own money and being responsible. That makes me feel pretty good about myself too. I've also been trying to get my grades back up, even though school is almost to the end I want to start doing all my work again. It will probably get harder now that i don't have the weekend to relax but I want to push myself. I know I can handle this, I just need to be confident. My relationship is helping a lot lately. He in a way controls my mood, when I'm struggling, being able to talk to him and let out a cry or so helps. I feel better when I'm with him. I don't like that i have to see him less because of my work but i still see him that's all that matters. He's been putting up with a lot lately, and I feel bad for being emotional and all that but i honestly can't help it lately. My mind just doesn't want to relax right now and i don't know why. I don't want to feel how I've been feeling lately. I don't know why i keep thinking about losing my mom or why everything is stressing me out so much. My theory is because the only female figure, i guess you could call it, that i had in my life is gone now. I guess I'm feeling confused about somethings. I don't know who to talk to about things that girls my age usually turn to there mothers for. I almost had that with my friend but that fell apart. In a way I feel alone. I know I'm not, because i have my brother and Dylan and even my Dad, but still there's just somethings that none of them can fix. I don't know how to find how to fix that. Honestly, these are things i need to deal with through another woman. I've heard that a million times, everyone tells me that oh if i need someone you can always go to this person or that person. I know, and that makes me feel good that i have those options but it's just not that easy. It's an uncomfortable topic, and I just can't bring myself to talk about it with basically anyone right now.. I'm lost. I can always talk to my boyfriend or brother but this is just different. That's the only thing that's holding me back.. I'm stressing about little things but that's the big one. That's what all the little things are surrounding, that I feel lost. I don't want to feel this way. I want to continue to feel better. I want to just be happy and not need to get my mind off things. I want to not have something that's holding me back. But for now I have to like what i did accomplish lately. My relationship, getting in shape, drawing, my appearance in general, school work.. I'm becoming the person I wanted to be. I'm becoming less upset, i guess you could say. In a way i feel bad for feeling how i feel because so many people have reached out to me and tried to help me, but I just wont take it. I don't know why.. But things are going to get better. Things will work out.

I honestly miss her a lot. I miss how much she loved me and how much i knew it. She was so good at showing it, and I always here stories on how much she loved my brother and I. I think the reason I like photography and art is because when I was growing up that's what i knew about her. I think that was my way of having a part of her. She is with me, her talent is with me. Life's confusing without you. I don't like being a teenager without you. I still cry my eyes out just thinking about you because i still miss you so much. It's been 9 years, it's still not any easier. I was only 7 and yeah i didn't have a lot of time with you but i remember you. I remember you a lot. Not a lot of people think I do because i was so young but there's a lot of things I remember. I'm making myself better for you, whenever i do something bad I think about you watching me. I know I've been making some bad decisions but i'm getting over it. I'm doing better. I'm a better person. I'm growing, It's hard without you but I'm doing it. Things would be so different if this never happened. I can't even imagine it, but i feel like things would be so much better. I always wonder if you'd like Dylan. Mom I have such strong feelings for him, I bet you'd love him just as much as I do. I think you'd feel like I made a good decision with him. You'd be so proud of Mark too. He has it hard, sometimes i worry about him but then I remember that he's strong. He was there for me so much before and after you left. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him and I wish you could see how close we are now, and how much he helps me. I try to help him like he helps me but I'm not as good at it, I'm not as strong as him. One day i will be. But until then he'll be there for me. I wish I could just tell you how much i love you.

Changes

I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life. I feel like so many things are changing. Starting a new job meeting new people making new friends.. That's a lot of change for me. Especially the new job, i start this weekend it's a little nerve racking. I'm scared of messing up, and doing something wrong. I'm scared i'm not going to make any friends and just be shy the whole time. I'm trying to not worry and just let it happen, I keep telling myself it will be fine just relax. I'm finding it harder to relax lately. I'm mostly getting frustrated with my school work. I don't know if i'm not paying attention or what but i just never know what i'm doing anymore. I try to pay attention and understand but i just don't. That's when i get frustrated. From the moment i wake up i can't wait for it to be the end of the day so i can just lay down and relax. Morning comes so fast though. I feel like 90% of my life is waking up, and that struggle. Why is it so hard for me to get up? I usually get enough sleep, but still i'm always exhausted when i wake up. I'm also always extremely tired at night, usually. I just never feel energized. I find it hard to keep up with my runs because i just want to lay down.. I want to feel energized again. I don't want to feel bleh like i do now. It's not like i'm not happy, i'm not really upset, besides some exceptions things are all right. I have a loving boyfriend, I'm making new friends and getting closer to some that have faded since last year. I just need to get through the rest of the school year and i think i'll be okay. I can't wait till summer. By then i'll be used to work and get to see my lovey more often. I wish i had that chance now, I think that would make me less stressed but i can manage.

Rant~

I honestly want nothing to do with you anymore. I tried so many times to make you see you are fucking up your life and that your actions are whats causing everything in your life. The last 5 years we've been like sisters, told each other everything. But now that you know what boys are that's literally all you care about. You make them your life, even when you just met them. You conform to their likes, their wants, their interests. I've tried to stick by you and help you even though you got into dumb things and lied to me along the way. You never listened to me. You like drama, you feed from it. If nothing is going on you will make a problem. You need that, i don't understand why but you do. You enjoy attention from problems. You lie constantly. And sometimes i just can't rap my head around why you do the things you do. I can't help you anymore, i can't be there for you, because you tried to use me and lie to me. I loved you like a sister and i stood up for you when girls were being bitches for you, I tried to help you when ever i could and what do i get, i get your lies just like everyone else. Are you honest with anyone? You didn't want to get me involved? bullshit. Bullshit, that's just another lie. You wanted to do anything to see your old folk of a boyfriend, including using me for rides. So explain to me how my boyfriend driving him to your house isn't getting either of us involved. Like what the hell. You don't think i would have recognized him when we pulled up? I'm not retarded. You think you are an amazing liar, no you make up ridiculous things. Whenever you try to lie you make sure you have a lot of details. That's your tell, you think it out way too much.  I just stopped questioning what you said because honestly i just didn't care anymore. I have problems too, i get upset too, not that you really ever cared. And I guess you really didn't ever care, because you completely just dumped me because you didn't want to hear my shit about you boyfriend. Well newsflash i'm just telling you the truth. It is disgusting. He is a deadbeat. He has no income, hes not going to school, he doesn't have his license.. hes like what, 22? Like he needs to be getting his life together not banging a 15 year old girl. You are a kid. You are not an adult and you know absolutely nothing, but you think that you are all knowing. You are easy and guys end up liking you because you're probably going to put out. You are a child. You think like a child. You love attention, especially when its guys. Honestly, you lied right to my face. You used me. At least tried too. So i hope you have fun with your pothead of a friend. I'm sure he'll be able to take great care of you. It's okay i'm done too. I don't need a friend that lies and does such dumb things. Get some sense. Get your priorities straight. I have so much anger in my head but i stayed calm when i confronted you and you had nothing to say. Then you write me a note. You can't man up and say it to my face? Okay. I wasn't mad that you haven't been telling me things, i don't care i knew you weren't. I haven't told you things for the past almost year. I'm mad because you lied and tried to use me. So i'm done, honestly you've done some messed up things but this is it. So have fun. Good luck.

Think Positively

I've been thinking about a lot lately. Who i want to be, what i like, what i'm good at.. etc. I feel like my head is going to explode and i think that's why I've been so irritable lately. I feel like i'm being overly emotion. Expressing my feelings too much, and expressing them for reasons that are non existent. Maybe i think that because i'm only around guys. They don't show feelings like girls, so maybe that's what is overwhelming me, the fact that i'm out of place. No, there's something wrong though, this isn't right. I'm crying way too much and getting way too worked up over things that don't matter. Maybe it's the time of the year still, Easter was never a good day for my family. But besides when i'm upset, I've things have been good lately. I'm not sad, I'm happy. Despite all the shit that i'm thinking about that's messing me up, I'm happy with my relationship. My relationship is whats keeping me sane. It is keeping me in line, and he makes me feel so much better. I'm better when i'm with him. We laugh, we cuddle, we are perfect in my mind. Right now i can say he is the only thing keeping me happy right now. I feel like the only family i have is detaching right now. Growing up, I was also extremely close with my brother. He was always the one that i went to, I was practically raised by him. He showed me how to deal with things and he basically is the reason I am the person I turned out to be. When i had a problem i went to him, no matter how bad it was he always could help. I felt like if i told him everything would be better hes my big brother he can fix it. But as i'm getting older its not that easy anymore. Either i'm at school or he's at work. We never have time to just hangout and talk anymore. There is a lot of things i don't feel comfortable about telling him. I think that's why I'm feeling the way i am, maybe that's why i'm being over emotional. I don't have him to make things better. We are still very close but he doesn't know a lot of the things that happened in the last couple months. I went down a lot of shitty paths. I'm just about over them now though. I hope things will go back to normal, or be better than normal. I am absolutely in love with my relationship right now. My deer is perfect. I feel so much more attached now, than i was before everything that happened. He is mine, i want it to stay that way. I don't want anything more. I honestly love him with all my heart. I want him to be my forever. That seems extremely ridiculous to say since we are teenagers. I realize that but honestly, right now i need him. I need him. When i'm not with him that's when i start to think, and just get sad. I don't want to be sad, i don't want to feel like this anymore. Being upset is a waist of time. There is nothing you can do about the past, what happened happened it can't be changed. So there is no use getting upset over it. The only thing there is to do, is to move on and let go. When people talk about my mother, or bring her up or anything i don't want to get sad. I don't want to be sad anymore. Its been 9 years now. I loved her very much and i can't express how much i miss her and wish all this could have just not happened but i don't want to feel like my life is some huge mistake because of it. Yeah i bet my life would be a million times better if she never got sick but she did i have to except the fact that this is my life. If i don't like it i need to do something about it instead of this blaming it on the fact that my mom passed away and my dad is miserable and we are broke. I'm 16 years old. I don't want to think my life is shit i have so much time to change it. I have so much time to become what i want. I want to be able to say i love my life, i love myself, i love my family. I want everything to be alright. I need to stop looking at the bad and start looking at the good. The positives in my life, that's what matters. For one i have an amazing boyfriend who cares about me and does so much for me. He is my everything and i am so thankful for that. How did i get someone like him, how does he put up with me. I love him so much. Not only do i have my boyfriend but i also have my brother. He will always be there for me, and i know that no matter how much i fuck up he will be there for me to fall on. He has always been there for me. He is my older brother and he takes care of me in so many ways. I can't count how many times that he had my back. There is also my father. We might not always see eye to eye and get a long but i still love him. He had to raise two kids by himself after losing the one that he loved. I respect him for that. I don't doubt that was hard. He has been through so much, and i wish i could make him proud and realize that everything is okay. He is not the person I grew up with he changed after my mom died. I'm not sure that i know him anymore, but i love him i know the real him is in there somewhere. He will always be my father no matter how mad or upset he gets me. Those people are how i survive. I need all of them. I love all of them. I know that as long as i have them in my life i will be okay. This is a really confusing and overwhelming period of my life but i see now that everything is okay. Things are going to get better. I want to stay positive. I'm not going to lie i still have wants. I don't miss the people i smoked with but i miss the feeling it gave me, i don't know why but I've been thinking about that a lot. I don't wan to be a pot head, i don't even think i want to smoke again but i miss that feeling. But i don't want to miss it. I don't need that to be happy, there's a lot other things that are so much more important than me than that feeling. So i'm going to continue to keep myself occupied and to stop that feeling. So i'm leaving with this, I'm happy and yes i do love my life. I don't want to die, i don't want to hurt myself. I want to keep moving forward and looking at the positives.

Nothing feels right anymore. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. I feel like i'm searching for something i'm not going to find, and i'm screwing my life up in the processes. All i want to do is sit alone and just do nothing, i don't want to get up or talk or move. I want to go away from everyone and just think, sit there and think. Maybe that's what i need. I'm starting to get to the point where i can't talk to anyone, i don't think they want to know my problems so why tell them. I'll keep it to myself so they don't get involved. I'll go out and feel a little better but then i come back and i have that pit in my stomach again. Everything is changing so fast. I don't like change, but that all that is happening right now. I can't focus on anything except how horribly i feel. I need something to take my mind off my hands for a little. I'm not going to give up, i guess i just have to keep looking for something to help. I was happy, i wish i felt like i did four months ago, i was so happy why did it have to end. What am i now? nothing.

Overwhelmed

Every decision made should be a lesson learned in life. Having doubts, changing your mind, all mean something. You feel this way for a reason. Sometimes you have to sacrifice some of your happiness for a better outcome in the future. Knowing what do to is hard. You never really know what your doing, most things are by chance. You might think you know what is going on, but in reality you never do. Life is strange, it tricks you and can make you feel like shit. You can make yourself feel like shit, things you do, say, feel. Things you can't control mutate your life. Everyday you have new thoughts, new thoughts that change your perspective more and more. If you're not happy, you need to take action, sulking in your own sadness is not a way to leave. Get out, explore, change things up. Getting into a rut can screw with your mind. Doing the same thing over, and over, will make you feel trapped; like your running the same day over again. Give it enough time and you will find yourself not happy at all. Everything happens for a reason right? The choices we make are supposed to happen. Never second guess yourself. Trust yourself, and believe that you know what is best. Life gets so over whelming, growing up gets pretty hard. You run into drugs, relationships, school, work... trouble. There is so much to worry about. You're going to mess up, its a fact of life. You can't be perfect. That doesn't happen there is no such thing as perfect. I don't know where i am going in life. I feel like i'm going down a slippery slope. My life is changing and i can't keep up with it. I want to be stable i want to know where i'm going, but at this point i don't know. I wish i did. I wish i knew what i really wanted. I wish i didn't have to think about the pain, the worries, the problems, the stress. When you feel like this, like you are overwhelmed you need to sit down and relax. Honestly, things will get better. They will work out. Trust that, and remember it.

~Hakuna Matata~