Think Positively

I've been thinking about a lot lately. Who i want to be, what i like, what i'm good at.. etc. I feel like my head is going to explode and i think that's why I've been so irritable lately. I feel like i'm being overly emotion. Expressing my feelings too much, and expressing them for reasons that are non existent. Maybe i think that because i'm only around guys. They don't show feelings like girls, so maybe that's what is overwhelming me, the fact that i'm out of place. No, there's something wrong though, this isn't right. I'm crying way too much and getting way too worked up over things that don't matter. Maybe it's the time of the year still, Easter was never a good day for my family. But besides when i'm upset, I've things have been good lately. I'm not sad, I'm happy. Despite all the shit that i'm thinking about that's messing me up, I'm happy with my relationship. My relationship is whats keeping me sane. It is keeping me in line, and he makes me feel so much better. I'm better when i'm with him. We laugh, we cuddle, we are perfect in my mind. Right now i can say he is the only thing keeping me happy right now. I feel like the only family i have is detaching right now. Growing up, I was also extremely close with my brother. He was always the one that i went to, I was practically raised by him. He showed me how to deal with things and he basically is the reason I am the person I turned out to be. When i had a problem i went to him, no matter how bad it was he always could help. I felt like if i told him everything would be better hes my big brother he can fix it. But as i'm getting older its not that easy anymore. Either i'm at school or he's at work. We never have time to just hangout and talk anymore. There is a lot of things i don't feel comfortable about telling him. I think that's why I'm feeling the way i am, maybe that's why i'm being over emotional. I don't have him to make things better. We are still very close but he doesn't know a lot of the things that happened in the last couple months. I went down a lot of shitty paths. I'm just about over them now though. I hope things will go back to normal, or be better than normal. I am absolutely in love with my relationship right now. My deer is perfect. I feel so much more attached now, than i was before everything that happened. He is mine, i want it to stay that way. I don't want anything more. I honestly love him with all my heart. I want him to be my forever. That seems extremely ridiculous to say since we are teenagers. I realize that but honestly, right now i need him. I need him. When i'm not with him that's when i start to think, and just get sad. I don't want to be sad, i don't want to feel like this anymore. Being upset is a waist of time. There is nothing you can do about the past, what happened happened it can't be changed. So there is no use getting upset over it. The only thing there is to do, is to move on and let go. When people talk about my mother, or bring her up or anything i don't want to get sad. I don't want to be sad anymore. Its been 9 years now. I loved her very much and i can't express how much i miss her and wish all this could have just not happened but i don't want to feel like my life is some huge mistake because of it. Yeah i bet my life would be a million times better if she never got sick but she did i have to except the fact that this is my life. If i don't like it i need to do something about it instead of this blaming it on the fact that my mom passed away and my dad is miserable and we are broke. I'm 16 years old. I don't want to think my life is shit i have so much time to change it. I have so much time to become what i want. I want to be able to say i love my life, i love myself, i love my family. I want everything to be alright. I need to stop looking at the bad and start looking at the good. The positives in my life, that's what matters. For one i have an amazing boyfriend who cares about me and does so much for me. He is my everything and i am so thankful for that. How did i get someone like him, how does he put up with me. I love him so much. Not only do i have my boyfriend but i also have my brother. He will always be there for me, and i know that no matter how much i fuck up he will be there for me to fall on. He has always been there for me. He is my older brother and he takes care of me in so many ways. I can't count how many times that he had my back. There is also my father. We might not always see eye to eye and get a long but i still love him. He had to raise two kids by himself after losing the one that he loved. I respect him for that. I don't doubt that was hard. He has been through so much, and i wish i could make him proud and realize that everything is okay. He is not the person I grew up with he changed after my mom died. I'm not sure that i know him anymore, but i love him i know the real him is in there somewhere. He will always be my father no matter how mad or upset he gets me. Those people are how i survive. I need all of them. I love all of them. I know that as long as i have them in my life i will be okay. This is a really confusing and overwhelming period of my life but i see now that everything is okay. Things are going to get better. I want to stay positive. I'm not going to lie i still have wants. I don't miss the people i smoked with but i miss the feeling it gave me, i don't know why but I've been thinking about that a lot. I don't wan to be a pot head, i don't even think i want to smoke again but i miss that feeling. But i don't want to miss it. I don't need that to be happy, there's a lot other things that are so much more important than me than that feeling. So i'm going to continue to keep myself occupied and to stop that feeling. So i'm leaving with this, I'm happy and yes i do love my life. I don't want to die, i don't want to hurt myself. I want to keep moving forward and looking at the positives.