Changes

I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life. I feel like so many things are changing. Starting a new job meeting new people making new friends.. That's a lot of change for me. Especially the new job, i start this weekend it's a little nerve racking. I'm scared of messing up, and doing something wrong. I'm scared i'm not going to make any friends and just be shy the whole time. I'm trying to not worry and just let it happen, I keep telling myself it will be fine just relax. I'm finding it harder to relax lately. I'm mostly getting frustrated with my school work. I don't know if i'm not paying attention or what but i just never know what i'm doing anymore. I try to pay attention and understand but i just don't. That's when i get frustrated. From the moment i wake up i can't wait for it to be the end of the day so i can just lay down and relax. Morning comes so fast though. I feel like 90% of my life is waking up, and that struggle. Why is it so hard for me to get up? I usually get enough sleep, but still i'm always exhausted when i wake up. I'm also always extremely tired at night, usually. I just never feel energized. I find it hard to keep up with my runs because i just want to lay down.. I want to feel energized again. I don't want to feel bleh like i do now. It's not like i'm not happy, i'm not really upset, besides some exceptions things are all right. I have a loving boyfriend, I'm making new friends and getting closer to some that have faded since last year. I just need to get through the rest of the school year and i think i'll be okay. I can't wait till summer. By then i'll be used to work and get to see my lovey more often. I wish i had that chance now, I think that would make me less stressed but i can manage.

Rant~

I honestly want nothing to do with you anymore. I tried so many times to make you see you are fucking up your life and that your actions are whats causing everything in your life. The last 5 years we've been like sisters, told each other everything. But now that you know what boys are that's literally all you care about. You make them your life, even when you just met them. You conform to their likes, their wants, their interests. I've tried to stick by you and help you even though you got into dumb things and lied to me along the way. You never listened to me. You like drama, you feed from it. If nothing is going on you will make a problem. You need that, i don't understand why but you do. You enjoy attention from problems. You lie constantly. And sometimes i just can't rap my head around why you do the things you do. I can't help you anymore, i can't be there for you, because you tried to use me and lie to me. I loved you like a sister and i stood up for you when girls were being bitches for you, I tried to help you when ever i could and what do i get, i get your lies just like everyone else. Are you honest with anyone? You didn't want to get me involved? bullshit. Bullshit, that's just another lie. You wanted to do anything to see your old folk of a boyfriend, including using me for rides. So explain to me how my boyfriend driving him to your house isn't getting either of us involved. Like what the hell. You don't think i would have recognized him when we pulled up? I'm not retarded. You think you are an amazing liar, no you make up ridiculous things. Whenever you try to lie you make sure you have a lot of details. That's your tell, you think it out way too much.  I just stopped questioning what you said because honestly i just didn't care anymore. I have problems too, i get upset too, not that you really ever cared. And I guess you really didn't ever care, because you completely just dumped me because you didn't want to hear my shit about you boyfriend. Well newsflash i'm just telling you the truth. It is disgusting. He is a deadbeat. He has no income, hes not going to school, he doesn't have his license.. hes like what, 22? Like he needs to be getting his life together not banging a 15 year old girl. You are a kid. You are not an adult and you know absolutely nothing, but you think that you are all knowing. You are easy and guys end up liking you because you're probably going to put out. You are a child. You think like a child. You love attention, especially when its guys. Honestly, you lied right to my face. You used me. At least tried too. So i hope you have fun with your pothead of a friend. I'm sure he'll be able to take great care of you. It's okay i'm done too. I don't need a friend that lies and does such dumb things. Get some sense. Get your priorities straight. I have so much anger in my head but i stayed calm when i confronted you and you had nothing to say. Then you write me a note. You can't man up and say it to my face? Okay. I wasn't mad that you haven't been telling me things, i don't care i knew you weren't. I haven't told you things for the past almost year. I'm mad because you lied and tried to use me. So i'm done, honestly you've done some messed up things but this is it. So have fun. Good luck.

Think Positively

I've been thinking about a lot lately. Who i want to be, what i like, what i'm good at.. etc. I feel like my head is going to explode and i think that's why I've been so irritable lately. I feel like i'm being overly emotion. Expressing my feelings too much, and expressing them for reasons that are non existent. Maybe i think that because i'm only around guys. They don't show feelings like girls, so maybe that's what is overwhelming me, the fact that i'm out of place. No, there's something wrong though, this isn't right. I'm crying way too much and getting way too worked up over things that don't matter. Maybe it's the time of the year still, Easter was never a good day for my family. But besides when i'm upset, I've things have been good lately. I'm not sad, I'm happy. Despite all the shit that i'm thinking about that's messing me up, I'm happy with my relationship. My relationship is whats keeping me sane. It is keeping me in line, and he makes me feel so much better. I'm better when i'm with him. We laugh, we cuddle, we are perfect in my mind. Right now i can say he is the only thing keeping me happy right now. I feel like the only family i have is detaching right now. Growing up, I was also extremely close with my brother. He was always the one that i went to, I was practically raised by him. He showed me how to deal with things and he basically is the reason I am the person I turned out to be. When i had a problem i went to him, no matter how bad it was he always could help. I felt like if i told him everything would be better hes my big brother he can fix it. But as i'm getting older its not that easy anymore. Either i'm at school or he's at work. We never have time to just hangout and talk anymore. There is a lot of things i don't feel comfortable about telling him. I think that's why I'm feeling the way i am, maybe that's why i'm being over emotional. I don't have him to make things better. We are still very close but he doesn't know a lot of the things that happened in the last couple months. I went down a lot of shitty paths. I'm just about over them now though. I hope things will go back to normal, or be better than normal. I am absolutely in love with my relationship right now. My deer is perfect. I feel so much more attached now, than i was before everything that happened. He is mine, i want it to stay that way. I don't want anything more. I honestly love him with all my heart. I want him to be my forever. That seems extremely ridiculous to say since we are teenagers. I realize that but honestly, right now i need him. I need him. When i'm not with him that's when i start to think, and just get sad. I don't want to be sad, i don't want to feel like this anymore. Being upset is a waist of time. There is nothing you can do about the past, what happened happened it can't be changed. So there is no use getting upset over it. The only thing there is to do, is to move on and let go. When people talk about my mother, or bring her up or anything i don't want to get sad. I don't want to be sad anymore. Its been 9 years now. I loved her very much and i can't express how much i miss her and wish all this could have just not happened but i don't want to feel like my life is some huge mistake because of it. Yeah i bet my life would be a million times better if she never got sick but she did i have to except the fact that this is my life. If i don't like it i need to do something about it instead of this blaming it on the fact that my mom passed away and my dad is miserable and we are broke. I'm 16 years old. I don't want to think my life is shit i have so much time to change it. I have so much time to become what i want. I want to be able to say i love my life, i love myself, i love my family. I want everything to be alright. I need to stop looking at the bad and start looking at the good. The positives in my life, that's what matters. For one i have an amazing boyfriend who cares about me and does so much for me. He is my everything and i am so thankful for that. How did i get someone like him, how does he put up with me. I love him so much. Not only do i have my boyfriend but i also have my brother. He will always be there for me, and i know that no matter how much i fuck up he will be there for me to fall on. He has always been there for me. He is my older brother and he takes care of me in so many ways. I can't count how many times that he had my back. There is also my father. We might not always see eye to eye and get a long but i still love him. He had to raise two kids by himself after losing the one that he loved. I respect him for that. I don't doubt that was hard. He has been through so much, and i wish i could make him proud and realize that everything is okay. He is not the person I grew up with he changed after my mom died. I'm not sure that i know him anymore, but i love him i know the real him is in there somewhere. He will always be my father no matter how mad or upset he gets me. Those people are how i survive. I need all of them. I love all of them. I know that as long as i have them in my life i will be okay. This is a really confusing and overwhelming period of my life but i see now that everything is okay. Things are going to get better. I want to stay positive. I'm not going to lie i still have wants. I don't miss the people i smoked with but i miss the feeling it gave me, i don't know why but I've been thinking about that a lot. I don't wan to be a pot head, i don't even think i want to smoke again but i miss that feeling. But i don't want to miss it. I don't need that to be happy, there's a lot other things that are so much more important than me than that feeling. So i'm going to continue to keep myself occupied and to stop that feeling. So i'm leaving with this, I'm happy and yes i do love my life. I don't want to die, i don't want to hurt myself. I want to keep moving forward and looking at the positives.

Nothing feels right anymore. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. I feel like i'm searching for something i'm not going to find, and i'm screwing my life up in the processes. All i want to do is sit alone and just do nothing, i don't want to get up or talk or move. I want to go away from everyone and just think, sit there and think. Maybe that's what i need. I'm starting to get to the point where i can't talk to anyone, i don't think they want to know my problems so why tell them. I'll keep it to myself so they don't get involved. I'll go out and feel a little better but then i come back and i have that pit in my stomach again. Everything is changing so fast. I don't like change, but that all that is happening right now. I can't focus on anything except how horribly i feel. I need something to take my mind off my hands for a little. I'm not going to give up, i guess i just have to keep looking for something to help. I was happy, i wish i felt like i did four months ago, i was so happy why did it have to end. What am i now? nothing.

Overwhelmed

Every decision made should be a lesson learned in life. Having doubts, changing your mind, all mean something. You feel this way for a reason. Sometimes you have to sacrifice some of your happiness for a better outcome in the future. Knowing what do to is hard. You never really know what your doing, most things are by chance. You might think you know what is going on, but in reality you never do. Life is strange, it tricks you and can make you feel like shit. You can make yourself feel like shit, things you do, say, feel. Things you can't control mutate your life. Everyday you have new thoughts, new thoughts that change your perspective more and more. If you're not happy, you need to take action, sulking in your own sadness is not a way to leave. Get out, explore, change things up. Getting into a rut can screw with your mind. Doing the same thing over, and over, will make you feel trapped; like your running the same day over again. Give it enough time and you will find yourself not happy at all. Everything happens for a reason right? The choices we make are supposed to happen. Never second guess yourself. Trust yourself, and believe that you know what is best. Life gets so over whelming, growing up gets pretty hard. You run into drugs, relationships, school, work... trouble. There is so much to worry about. You're going to mess up, its a fact of life. You can't be perfect. That doesn't happen there is no such thing as perfect. I don't know where i am going in life. I feel like i'm going down a slippery slope. My life is changing and i can't keep up with it. I want to be stable i want to know where i'm going, but at this point i don't know. I wish i did. I wish i knew what i really wanted. I wish i didn't have to think about the pain, the worries, the problems, the stress. When you feel like this, like you are overwhelmed you need to sit down and relax. Honestly, things will get better. They will work out. Trust that, and remember it.

~Hakuna Matata~

Thinking, thinking, & more thinking.

I'm over thinking. I don't know if I'm happy.  I don't think I'm being fair to myself. How can I make someone else happy when I'm not even sure I'm happy. Am I doing something wrong? Why am I thinking this way. Is it stress? Is it my relationship? I feel like I try so hard and it never pays off. I'm really focused on school I'm trying, I'm really trying. But I'm feeling angry and frustrated because I'm not doing as well as I want to be. Not only that but I'm also getting frustrated with my weight. I was at a good point in summer, I was content with my body. But now I'm feeling more and more self conscious. I want to feel good and healthy. I love my boyfriend, I love him so much. But having something to lose is stressful. I don't see myself with anyone else. But lately I haven't been feeling loved and cared for, which I need. I want him to show me that he cares. Because over been having my doubts. It's been six months now. This is my longest relationship yet. I love him. So if I need to fix my problem I'm hoping it doesn't affect my relationship.

Best Friend ~

So ever since I've gotten a boyfriend, I've kinda put things aside and focused on him. But you know what this time i'm not writing about him. Today i want to talk about my best-friend. We knew each other since like elementary school, and had the same homeroom in fifth grade but weren't really friends. We talked a little but, that was just about it. We were still little weirdos back then. Then we went to middle school and the first day we were both little scared sixth graders trying to find our way around. What do you know i walk in to my new homeroom and i see no one that i know, except for one. One person that i kinda knew but never was really close with but we both needed someone to hang around with. Ever since then we did everything together. Within the first month of school we were inseparable. I don't know what it was, like we didn't really know each other but we could just talk to each other. As the year went on we became the closes that you can get. I remember when we actually started hanging out after school, at first it was a little weird cause like we were still awkward little kids. But we went through middle-school and we stuck with each other through the whole thing. We made so many memories there. Middle school was the easy part. We did dumb stuff, got in trouble for stupid things, heck we even got an after school in 8th grade. Which we ended up thinking was pretty hilarious. Like detention was funny just because we had it the same day. Anyway the years rolled by and what do you know we make it through the first year of high-school. Still, best friends. Freshman year, i'll tell you, it was tough. I'm not going to lie there were a couple serious fights between us, but it was just petty stuff. I look back at them and realize how senseless they were. Not only did we have to fight through just our teenage hormones making us bitches, but also the guys. Guys complicated everything. For a good while we had the same interests and were pretty much attracted to the same guys. So we had to get past that, and soon what we liked changed and that wasn't a problem. But then there was sex. And drugs. And alcohol. And just all things bad. At one point it was bad she found out that i cut myself, which she might have known before then, but it actually was talked about. I don't really know how she thought about that, i mean i wasn't very happy with my life at the time, or what i looked like, it was just a depressing time. But soon after she found out i stopped, when she found out about it, it wasn't happening that often i was already stopping. But then she got into somethings, and she turned to that 'out' and it just wasn't good. Like when i saw her feeling like she needed to do that. I had enough, like i realized that it was time to stop. I didn't want to confront her about it, because i didn't want to make her angry but i wanted her to stop. I love this girl like a sister, and i don't want her to feel like this is the only way out. She was just starting but i was already stopped, i figured it had to run its course. But i did talk to her a little about it, i would tell her that doesn't help anything. And i told her not to a couple times but i knew nothing i would say would help. But it hurt to see her hurting. Then it got worse. She really really liked this guy, i didn't really like the fact that they had a thing because i questioned his intentions. I had known him for awhile and i knew what he was like with girls. He doesn't always treat them right. I just wanted to protect her from what might happen. But it didn't work she still got hurt and it got bad. Things weren't the best after he left. She got very depressed, i don't know if she understood that i knew what was happening in her mind. I understood, i just didn't want to invoke her and make her made or upset by talking about it. I admit i probably didn't know to what extent it was happening but i knew it was happening. She talked about this a lot, everyday she would obsess over it, and I use that term loosely. I mean i don't blame her it was her first high-school love, i knew it wouldn't be easy. I didn't know how to help her. Everything i did, it just wasn't enough. Nothing i do could make it better. So i thought that maybe if she just stopped talking about it her mind would let her forget it. Look i make mistakes, i'll admit someday i would get annoyed about hearing it, but i'm a teenager i'm going to get a little pissy sometimes. That doesn't mean i didn't care. I just really thought if she would force her self to stop making that the only thing she thought about then it would go away and it would get better. I felt like she was forcing herself to be sad, like she was trying to make her self believe that she needed this kid. I know that she doesn't need him, shes stronger than this. She can get through this. Shes a strong, beautiful, funny, kind, crazy girl and any guy would be lucky to have her. Its been just about a year since this has started now, and its a little better in my eyes but i know its still a problem. And if you read this Jasmin, I just want you to know that i care about you. I love you like family, we've been best-friends for just about 5 years now. I want you to know that i hate seeing you this way, and i know you cant help it. But i want you to know that someone cares about you, and i know i'm not always supportive and sometimes i get bitchy but when i do i'm trying to help you. Everything i do to you is always trying to help you or teach you a lesson so that things like this don't happen to you again. I had an older brother to teach me these things, that's why i think we think differently about a couple things. I want you to realize that, yes i know its good to feel loved by a guy and that i understand that you really truly had feelings for you know who. And i know how depressed and how bad you got during this whole thing, i understand that. You have every right to be. But you need to know that you will be okay. You CAN get through this, and you will find the right one. If it ends up being him, or someone else you will find him one day. I want you to realize how much time we have to get heartbroken. We have our whole lives to mess things up as much as we can. And dammit we are going to grow old and go through hell and back and experience everything, side by side. Don't stop your life because of high-school. This is only the beginning. If you ever feel like you going to do something fucking stupid to mess that up again you talk to me. We are going to get through this, and i know you feel alone but i'm right her. I love you, and don't ever think that you cant tell me stuff because i'll get annoyed or don't care. I care. It doesn't matter if i'm crabby or what i'm going to be here for you. We've been fucking shit up for the last 5 years, and here's to 5 more.