Deer,
Im so glad that you're mine. You've helped me so much throughout this whole relationship, especially these past several months. I don't know where I would be without you. I love you so much. We're creating really good memories and just I love being with you. You and me always. That's how it needs to be. The beach was perfect. Waking up next to you just felt so right. Waking up in the middle of the night looking over and seeing you right beside me.. perfection. I felt safe. We were playing so many games and stuff and just asdgg cx it was fun and we were a cute couple just kike we wanted to be last year when we started dating. Oh my god. Its almost a year that we've been together. Dylan this has been the best year of my life. I hope we are together for many more years. I never want to let you go. I love you to the moon and back and then some. You are the only person other than my mom that I said that to. I used to say that to her every night. I feel like the reason I want to say it now is because you filled the hole that I had when she left. You made me feel whole. Sorta like you completed me? That sounds so corny oh my god. But its true.. I need you. You are my forever. It will be 11months in 13 days.. where did the time go. I hope there are many more months years to go. I love you.

Mom

I'm trying not to let this weekend upset me. I'm trying to not get upset thinking about my mother. I want to stay happy. I'm tired of being sad, i want to stay happy. I'm fine when I am doing things and I can get it off of my mind, but when I'm alone.. I don't know it gets harder. It gets harder to not upset myself. I think I've been better this past week or so. I've been thinking about I'm trying to stay positive. The other day, while i was running i started thinking. I was thinking about who i was. I'm content with myself for the most part right now. For the last couple years I've been developing changing and growing. I've been changing my interests my image. I'm active, i run and get some exercising in most of my days. I've also been drawing more, and the pictures that I'm drawing I'm working really hard on. When i make something I'm proud of, that makes me feel good. I'm controlling my weight for the most part too. I'm not exactly where I want to be but I'm getting there hopefully this summer I'll get to my ideal weight. I've also just started a job, I'm making my own money and being responsible. That makes me feel pretty good about myself too. I've also been trying to get my grades back up, even though school is almost to the end I want to start doing all my work again. It will probably get harder now that i don't have the weekend to relax but I want to push myself. I know I can handle this, I just need to be confident. My relationship is helping a lot lately. He in a way controls my mood, when I'm struggling, being able to talk to him and let out a cry or so helps. I feel better when I'm with him. I don't like that i have to see him less because of my work but i still see him that's all that matters. He's been putting up with a lot lately, and I feel bad for being emotional and all that but i honestly can't help it lately. My mind just doesn't want to relax right now and i don't know why. I don't want to feel how I've been feeling lately. I don't know why i keep thinking about losing my mom or why everything is stressing me out so much. My theory is because the only female figure, i guess you could call it, that i had in my life is gone now. I guess I'm feeling confused about somethings. I don't know who to talk to about things that girls my age usually turn to there mothers for. I almost had that with my friend but that fell apart. In a way I feel alone. I know I'm not, because i have my brother and Dylan and even my Dad, but still there's just somethings that none of them can fix. I don't know how to find how to fix that. Honestly, these are things i need to deal with through another woman. I've heard that a million times, everyone tells me that oh if i need someone you can always go to this person or that person. I know, and that makes me feel good that i have those options but it's just not that easy. It's an uncomfortable topic, and I just can't bring myself to talk about it with basically anyone right now.. I'm lost. I can always talk to my boyfriend or brother but this is just different. That's the only thing that's holding me back.. I'm stressing about little things but that's the big one. That's what all the little things are surrounding, that I feel lost. I don't want to feel this way. I want to continue to feel better. I want to just be happy and not need to get my mind off things. I want to not have something that's holding me back. But for now I have to like what i did accomplish lately. My relationship, getting in shape, drawing, my appearance in general, school work.. I'm becoming the person I wanted to be. I'm becoming less upset, i guess you could say. In a way i feel bad for feeling how i feel because so many people have reached out to me and tried to help me, but I just wont take it. I don't know why.. But things are going to get better. Things will work out.

I honestly miss her a lot. I miss how much she loved me and how much i knew it. She was so good at showing it, and I always here stories on how much she loved my brother and I. I think the reason I like photography and art is because when I was growing up that's what i knew about her. I think that was my way of having a part of her. She is with me, her talent is with me. Life's confusing without you. I don't like being a teenager without you. I still cry my eyes out just thinking about you because i still miss you so much. It's been 9 years, it's still not any easier. I was only 7 and yeah i didn't have a lot of time with you but i remember you. I remember you a lot. Not a lot of people think I do because i was so young but there's a lot of things I remember. I'm making myself better for you, whenever i do something bad I think about you watching me. I know I've been making some bad decisions but i'm getting over it. I'm doing better. I'm a better person. I'm growing, It's hard without you but I'm doing it. Things would be so different if this never happened. I can't even imagine it, but i feel like things would be so much better. I always wonder if you'd like Dylan. Mom I have such strong feelings for him, I bet you'd love him just as much as I do. I think you'd feel like I made a good decision with him. You'd be so proud of Mark too. He has it hard, sometimes i worry about him but then I remember that he's strong. He was there for me so much before and after you left. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him and I wish you could see how close we are now, and how much he helps me. I try to help him like he helps me but I'm not as good at it, I'm not as strong as him. One day i will be. But until then he'll be there for me. I wish I could just tell you how much i love you.

Changes

I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life. I feel like so many things are changing. Starting a new job meeting new people making new friends.. That's a lot of change for me. Especially the new job, i start this weekend it's a little nerve racking. I'm scared of messing up, and doing something wrong. I'm scared i'm not going to make any friends and just be shy the whole time. I'm trying to not worry and just let it happen, I keep telling myself it will be fine just relax. I'm finding it harder to relax lately. I'm mostly getting frustrated with my school work. I don't know if i'm not paying attention or what but i just never know what i'm doing anymore. I try to pay attention and understand but i just don't. That's when i get frustrated. From the moment i wake up i can't wait for it to be the end of the day so i can just lay down and relax. Morning comes so fast though. I feel like 90% of my life is waking up, and that struggle. Why is it so hard for me to get up? I usually get enough sleep, but still i'm always exhausted when i wake up. I'm also always extremely tired at night, usually. I just never feel energized. I find it hard to keep up with my runs because i just want to lay down.. I want to feel energized again. I don't want to feel bleh like i do now. It's not like i'm not happy, i'm not really upset, besides some exceptions things are all right. I have a loving boyfriend, I'm making new friends and getting closer to some that have faded since last year. I just need to get through the rest of the school year and i think i'll be okay. I can't wait till summer. By then i'll be used to work and get to see my lovey more often. I wish i had that chance now, I think that would make me less stressed but i can manage.

Rant~

I honestly want nothing to do with you anymore. I tried so many times to make you see you are fucking up your life and that your actions are whats causing everything in your life. The last 5 years we've been like sisters, told each other everything. But now that you know what boys are that's literally all you care about. You make them your life, even when you just met them. You conform to their likes, their wants, their interests. I've tried to stick by you and help you even though you got into dumb things and lied to me along the way. You never listened to me. You like drama, you feed from it. If nothing is going on you will make a problem. You need that, i don't understand why but you do. You enjoy attention from problems. You lie constantly. And sometimes i just can't rap my head around why you do the things you do. I can't help you anymore, i can't be there for you, because you tried to use me and lie to me. I loved you like a sister and i stood up for you when girls were being bitches for you, I tried to help you when ever i could and what do i get, i get your lies just like everyone else. Are you honest with anyone? You didn't want to get me involved? bullshit. Bullshit, that's just another lie. You wanted to do anything to see your old folk of a boyfriend, including using me for rides. So explain to me how my boyfriend driving him to your house isn't getting either of us involved. Like what the hell. You don't think i would have recognized him when we pulled up? I'm not retarded. You think you are an amazing liar, no you make up ridiculous things. Whenever you try to lie you make sure you have a lot of details. That's your tell, you think it out way too much.  I just stopped questioning what you said because honestly i just didn't care anymore. I have problems too, i get upset too, not that you really ever cared. And I guess you really didn't ever care, because you completely just dumped me because you didn't want to hear my shit about you boyfriend. Well newsflash i'm just telling you the truth. It is disgusting. He is a deadbeat. He has no income, hes not going to school, he doesn't have his license.. hes like what, 22? Like he needs to be getting his life together not banging a 15 year old girl. You are a kid. You are not an adult and you know absolutely nothing, but you think that you are all knowing. You are easy and guys end up liking you because you're probably going to put out. You are a child. You think like a child. You love attention, especially when its guys. Honestly, you lied right to my face. You used me. At least tried too. So i hope you have fun with your pothead of a friend. I'm sure he'll be able to take great care of you. It's okay i'm done too. I don't need a friend that lies and does such dumb things. Get some sense. Get your priorities straight. I have so much anger in my head but i stayed calm when i confronted you and you had nothing to say. Then you write me a note. You can't man up and say it to my face? Okay. I wasn't mad that you haven't been telling me things, i don't care i knew you weren't. I haven't told you things for the past almost year. I'm mad because you lied and tried to use me. So i'm done, honestly you've done some messed up things but this is it. So have fun. Good luck.

Think Positively

I've been thinking about a lot lately. Who i want to be, what i like, what i'm good at.. etc. I feel like my head is going to explode and i think that's why I've been so irritable lately. I feel like i'm being overly emotion. Expressing my feelings too much, and expressing them for reasons that are non existent. Maybe i think that because i'm only around guys. They don't show feelings like girls, so maybe that's what is overwhelming me, the fact that i'm out of place. No, there's something wrong though, this isn't right. I'm crying way too much and getting way too worked up over things that don't matter. Maybe it's the time of the year still, Easter was never a good day for my family. But besides when i'm upset, I've things have been good lately. I'm not sad, I'm happy. Despite all the shit that i'm thinking about that's messing me up, I'm happy with my relationship. My relationship is whats keeping me sane. It is keeping me in line, and he makes me feel so much better. I'm better when i'm with him. We laugh, we cuddle, we are perfect in my mind. Right now i can say he is the only thing keeping me happy right now. I feel like the only family i have is detaching right now. Growing up, I was also extremely close with my brother. He was always the one that i went to, I was practically raised by him. He showed me how to deal with things and he basically is the reason I am the person I turned out to be. When i had a problem i went to him, no matter how bad it was he always could help. I felt like if i told him everything would be better hes my big brother he can fix it. But as i'm getting older its not that easy anymore. Either i'm at school or he's at work. We never have time to just hangout and talk anymore. There is a lot of things i don't feel comfortable about telling him. I think that's why I'm feeling the way i am, maybe that's why i'm being over emotional. I don't have him to make things better. We are still very close but he doesn't know a lot of the things that happened in the last couple months. I went down a lot of shitty paths. I'm just about over them now though. I hope things will go back to normal, or be better than normal. I am absolutely in love with my relationship right now. My deer is perfect. I feel so much more attached now, than i was before everything that happened. He is mine, i want it to stay that way. I don't want anything more. I honestly love him with all my heart. I want him to be my forever. That seems extremely ridiculous to say since we are teenagers. I realize that but honestly, right now i need him. I need him. When i'm not with him that's when i start to think, and just get sad. I don't want to be sad, i don't want to feel like this anymore. Being upset is a waist of time. There is nothing you can do about the past, what happened happened it can't be changed. So there is no use getting upset over it. The only thing there is to do, is to move on and let go. When people talk about my mother, or bring her up or anything i don't want to get sad. I don't want to be sad anymore. Its been 9 years now. I loved her very much and i can't express how much i miss her and wish all this could have just not happened but i don't want to feel like my life is some huge mistake because of it. Yeah i bet my life would be a million times better if she never got sick but she did i have to except the fact that this is my life. If i don't like it i need to do something about it instead of this blaming it on the fact that my mom passed away and my dad is miserable and we are broke. I'm 16 years old. I don't want to think my life is shit i have so much time to change it. I have so much time to become what i want. I want to be able to say i love my life, i love myself, i love my family. I want everything to be alright. I need to stop looking at the bad and start looking at the good. The positives in my life, that's what matters. For one i have an amazing boyfriend who cares about me and does so much for me. He is my everything and i am so thankful for that. How did i get someone like him, how does he put up with me. I love him so much. Not only do i have my boyfriend but i also have my brother. He will always be there for me, and i know that no matter how much i fuck up he will be there for me to fall on. He has always been there for me. He is my older brother and he takes care of me in so many ways. I can't count how many times that he had my back. There is also my father. We might not always see eye to eye and get a long but i still love him. He had to raise two kids by himself after losing the one that he loved. I respect him for that. I don't doubt that was hard. He has been through so much, and i wish i could make him proud and realize that everything is okay. He is not the person I grew up with he changed after my mom died. I'm not sure that i know him anymore, but i love him i know the real him is in there somewhere. He will always be my father no matter how mad or upset he gets me. Those people are how i survive. I need all of them. I love all of them. I know that as long as i have them in my life i will be okay. This is a really confusing and overwhelming period of my life but i see now that everything is okay. Things are going to get better. I want to stay positive. I'm not going to lie i still have wants. I don't miss the people i smoked with but i miss the feeling it gave me, i don't know why but I've been thinking about that a lot. I don't wan to be a pot head, i don't even think i want to smoke again but i miss that feeling. But i don't want to miss it. I don't need that to be happy, there's a lot other things that are so much more important than me than that feeling. So i'm going to continue to keep myself occupied and to stop that feeling. So i'm leaving with this, I'm happy and yes i do love my life. I don't want to die, i don't want to hurt myself. I want to keep moving forward and looking at the positives.

Nothing feels right anymore. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. I feel like i'm searching for something i'm not going to find, and i'm screwing my life up in the processes. All i want to do is sit alone and just do nothing, i don't want to get up or talk or move. I want to go away from everyone and just think, sit there and think. Maybe that's what i need. I'm starting to get to the point where i can't talk to anyone, i don't think they want to know my problems so why tell them. I'll keep it to myself so they don't get involved. I'll go out and feel a little better but then i come back and i have that pit in my stomach again. Everything is changing so fast. I don't like change, but that all that is happening right now. I can't focus on anything except how horribly i feel. I need something to take my mind off my hands for a little. I'm not going to give up, i guess i just have to keep looking for something to help. I was happy, i wish i felt like i did four months ago, i was so happy why did it have to end. What am i now? nothing.

Overwhelmed

Every decision made should be a lesson learned in life. Having doubts, changing your mind, all mean something. You feel this way for a reason. Sometimes you have to sacrifice some of your happiness for a better outcome in the future. Knowing what do to is hard. You never really know what your doing, most things are by chance. You might think you know what is going on, but in reality you never do. Life is strange, it tricks you and can make you feel like shit. You can make yourself feel like shit, things you do, say, feel. Things you can't control mutate your life. Everyday you have new thoughts, new thoughts that change your perspective more and more. If you're not happy, you need to take action, sulking in your own sadness is not a way to leave. Get out, explore, change things up. Getting into a rut can screw with your mind. Doing the same thing over, and over, will make you feel trapped; like your running the same day over again. Give it enough time and you will find yourself not happy at all. Everything happens for a reason right? The choices we make are supposed to happen. Never second guess yourself. Trust yourself, and believe that you know what is best. Life gets so over whelming, growing up gets pretty hard. You run into drugs, relationships, school, work... trouble. There is so much to worry about. You're going to mess up, its a fact of life. You can't be perfect. That doesn't happen there is no such thing as perfect. I don't know where i am going in life. I feel like i'm going down a slippery slope. My life is changing and i can't keep up with it. I want to be stable i want to know where i'm going, but at this point i don't know. I wish i did. I wish i knew what i really wanted. I wish i didn't have to think about the pain, the worries, the problems, the stress. When you feel like this, like you are overwhelmed you need to sit down and relax. Honestly, things will get better. They will work out. Trust that, and remember it.

~Hakuna Matata~