Depression, what really is it? Do I know what it is, do I really? I'm not depressed, I'm productive, work, gym, friends, music, coffee, shopping. I do so much to use up this little free time before I start that great night shift. Everyday every week, I'm not tired. I'm living, that is what I'm supposed to be doing right? I'm supposed to be living, I'm young, I'm naive. Oh this is just the first time, there will be many more... Well what if I don't even know if I'll survive the first? Oh shut up, you're fine. Don't you remember acouple hours ago? You were cracking up about something dumb, like usual, and you were happy. You're not depressed. You're not depressed now, you weren't depressed then. What is depression? Is depression not being able to sleep without having dreams that make you cringe on how much you hate this change, you're not good enough, you were never good enough, you never will be good enough. No, they are just dreams, don't get yourself so worked up about something that isn't real. But it is real, I lived it, is this just how I'm always going to feel? I guess I'm in a cycle, I have been sent back to middle school. When I thought I was "depressed", I wasn't depressed. I got picked on, boohoo, that's no big deal. You have been through worse to let words mess you up, how could you ever let words hurt you, how could words make you hurt yourself? You weren't depressed. You're still not depressed. Am I? Who am I? I don't even know anymore. Will I ever know again? I guess I'm starting from scratch.

Checking up

Here I am about to turn 19 years old in a couple days, attending my second semester of college, and just flying through life. I feel so old, I'm just getting older and older and life is getting harder and harder.. But in a good way, challenges are good. Right now I am taking on one of my biggest fears and taking a speech class, although I find myself terrified every moment of class I hope that this really does help. I feel my relationships and people around me fading because of how hard it is for me to continue to communicate with people. I will be able to achieve this I have confidence.

Anyway I think I'm doing good, although I have been missing my brother a lot. I often think about just miss having him around. After he was here for two weeks its hard to readjust. I miss my big bro, he means a lot to me but hes doing big things and I'm proud of him.

I am also still happily in love and content with my best friend. We are currently taking speech together to hopefully make this class easier for me, and even talking about getting our own cell phone plan together. Lol big steps, I know. But it really is the little things that make you know that it is going good. We are not moving too slow but on pace with our age. We are just having fun, together. Although we have stressful school, we take the time we have to have fun and relax and be college kids. I could not have asked to spend this time with anyone else. I love him so much.

I honestly cannot wait to see what our future holds

Well here I am. I graduated highschool and now im attending college and working and lifes feeling a little crazy. And now i finally got away from Dorney I got a new job. Today was actually my first day and for some reason I keep trying to relate it to Dorney. I just dont like being new and not knowing what im doing, at Dorney I always know what to do and im really good at my job but now at JJs its like a whole new world and it makes me so nervous. Im just glad i have such amazing support from Dylan he really keeps me from freaking out. I can do this👍

Senior year is flying by. I keep thinking about how this is my last everything. Like early when i had gym id always think about how that was my last workout Wednesday, my laat day to change, my last fitness test, and it was actually kind of crappy feeling. Which is weird becauae i hated all of that, and now i want to remember it. Just like now im working on my last research paper in my high school career. And thankfully im actually interested in this one. So maybe ill finiah with a bang. I've also been wondering around school and going different ways ive never been at just so i get the full experence or so it feels like it. Its really getting close. Senior 2016 ✌✌I cant wait to be with all my buddys and walk ar graduation. Its been a good year so far. Ive even made more friends which i didnt expect since its senior yere but im happy. Heres to a good end 🎓🎓

Well there's only 3 months till graduation, its getting so close. Im actually getting kind of excited. Although im not getting very far with losing weight I finally feel like im getting somewhere. I got my license which is a big step for me. Next weekend i think im going to start applying for lccc. Now i just need a car. I wouldnt have been able to do any of this without my ba. He supported me and really gave me the courage to get my license. He will always be my one and only. I also got my prom dress which was great. Dylan helped me pick it out and we found an adorable dress. Im so excited to go with him. We are going to look so good. 😍😍Its crazy that its almost 3 years, i still love you more and more everyday.

Wedding day

Saturday is the big day. I'm excited to see everyone but kinda nervous that it wont go so well. That side of the family doesn't favor mine because of the problems between my dad and my sisters mom. I hope everything goes well, but there is tension and I just hope nothing happens. First I'm going to take advantage of dressing up to take some pictures of my Baba and I. We haven't taken pictures in forever so I hope they turn out cute. But Tomorrow I start drivers training and need to find a ride to work so hopefully that goes well. I'm nervous about everything and nothing

Senior Year

Senior year is going pretty good so far. It's not as stressful this  year because I don't have as many classes as the other years. I keep thinking of things that haven't done and I feel like I have to accomplish them before I graduate. I keep thinking about how much happened in the last four years and how quickly it went. I can't believe that I'm graduating already. I think I'm ready, I just don't know what I want to do with my life. I know I want to do something that I like but there's nothing I can make a career out of. The only thing I'm really considering is being a cosmologist. Maybe be a hairstylist. I really like that kind of stuff but I don't know if that's a good career to go for or what. Anyway, things with ba have been going really good too. I'm a little moody and stressed out about somethings but we have been seeing each other so much. He takes me home after school everyday. All I want to do is put lazy clothes on cuddle and watch a movie with him. That's what I want to just relax and love each other. He's so perfect.

Late night thinking 🙈

I wonder If you ever think about us before everything. I do occasionally. I mean our lives are completely different and I'm happy with where I am but still like sometimes I wish that it was just back in 6th grade going to dumb school dances. Growing up in a hassle. I'm excited to be a senior but like I had such different e,pectations of this year when I was just a freshman. I've become so independent in school. We used to always be together and now its like I'm the lone wolf. And it kinda doesn't bother me because I just don't like walking with anyone else. I just can't believe how we've changed and its like getting to the point where I forget what it was like when we were close. And it feels like that wasn't even me. But idk sometimes I miss it

Delaware was perfect. I got to spend a week with my second family in Delaware. I had so much fun and I wish we never had to leave. It went by so fast, but we got to do just about everything. We went to the beach a couple times. We shopped a lot. We ate a lot. Dylan and I went to the Bay which is my favorite. And of course I got to cuddle up next to my bubby every night. We even partied a little and had s'mores, which Dylan is a professional s'more maker even when hes a little under the influence. Oh and we got really really cute pictures thanks to Layla <3

Second time around

I honestly cannot believe its almost been two years. Four more days. Two years that I've been with my second half.. Things are moving so fast. Although things are kind of complicated right now, we are here for each other and I know everything will end up being alright. And now he's right down the street from me. I love it. I basically live with him. And I get to see his family more too. I think its adorable and it gives me chills when his mom mentions us having kids. It so cute, waaaay too early but its still cute. I mean I love kids and I can't wait to have a family with him. But I can wait until we are ready. Probably in like almost 10 years.. That's such a long time. But we have so much to do before we even think about that stuff.. Like school and stable jobs and actually having money. And actually being able to buy a car without having trouble with loans and what not. I know we will be great parents when it comes to that but for now we are  going to be kids. We are going to focus on us. But anyway yeah its funny but I mean scary because no thank you for now. Hut I love them and that they live so close. Layla is opening up to me more and more and I love it I feel like I have a sister 😂 I'm honestly the luckiest girl  in the world. Dylan is the best person I have ever met and he is the reason I'm happy. Even after two years we are still experiencing new things together and growing and just having fun and also being there for eachother. But yeah 4 more days till the couch comes. And I'm the butt prints to his couch because he made me the person I am today 😍😆 we are weird I love it. And I love him.

Changes

Next month it will mark two years with the love of my life. Not only will we be celebrating that on the thirteenth, on the July first he's moving back to Emmaus. This means I will be able to spend a lot more time with him and his family. For now I sleepover usually on Sundays but when he's here I feel like I'll be able to sleep over more and just see him in general. I'm so excited. I'm excited to see where our relationship will go. He is my soul mate and I honestly love him so much. All the missing him and only seeing in once a week will finally have paid off. I couldn't imagine my life with out him, he is my rock.

Chicago was great.

I'm honestly so proud of my brother. It was crazy hectic getting over there but it was so worth it. I got to see my brother graduate from Navy boot camp. Not seeing him for 2 months was horrible. But now its a little better because he has his phone. It still sucks I don't get to see him all the time but we had a great couple days. I got to see my other navy sailor Joey. They are such great friends, it was like they were never even separated. It made me really happy seeing how far they have came. They are going great places and that's a real friendship they have. Mark looked so great, he's slimming out and looked really sharp in his uniforms. I'm so proud of him and Joey! His base was really cool too, lots of shops and everything they need is on there. They like never need to leave. Although I hated leaving Mark and Joey being home is such a relief. I missed my kitty, and I missed knowing where I was and not getting lost every time we went somewhere. Then I got to see Dylan which was even better. I was a little tired and grumpy but it all worked out we had a really good day. I'm so excited for him to move down here next month so we can start our little "family". I want my kitten, I'm sooooo excited. Tonight when we went to his soon to be house he was like look its our home. Obviously I'm not moving in anytime soon, considering I'm still in school but it's crazy. I can't believe it's been this long. I honestly love him so much, even when he makes me mad I just love him to the ends of the earth. He's so cute and perfect and just asdf. We keep talking about what were going to do for our two years, because thats kind of a big deal. But whatever we do I know it'll be great because I'll be with him. And he'll be living in Emmaus so I'll be staying over and just seeing him a lot more. It'll be so nice. I hate only seeing him once a week. But soon it wont matter because I'll be out of school and he'll be right down the road. This has been a really good weekend. Now I just need to get though one more week of school.

love

I honestly love my ba so much. Its been super crazy now that I'm back at work. I feel like people are even bigger jerks than they were last year though, which sucks. But I'm glad I have him to comfort me. I kind of just want to find a better job. I don't think dealing with people is my thing. I just want to deal with the people I actually like like my family and Dylan's family and my friends. That's all. Last night was perfect god I love sleeping next to you. I can't wait till you move back and I can see you more. Then everyone can see us and be jealous of how hot you are c; no buy its going to be great. And then we can get our kitten and just be a little family and it'll be so cute. I'll be 18 next year so woohoo, I'm sure we're only onto better and bigger things ❤

MArkkkk

I honestly miss my brother so much
i have so much to tell him its driving me crazy!
so far hes missed my first time driving, me starting work again, Dylan's moving back, my fastest mile, Dylan got awesome speakers so thats exciting. hes almost out of boot camp though so it will get better i know it will. It kinda sucked having to go through mothers day without him though. Since he actually understands how much it sucks. I just miss being able to talk to him and get his advice and I miss ridding in the Van. I think things are getting tense between Dylan and I because I'm so worked up all the time and now he hears alllll of it because marks not here to hear me complain first... I already don't like work. I thought I missed it but I realize now that i didn't. It's already too hot, and the new people are dumb. I keep not getting to spend all of sunday with dylan because I have to work. That honestly makes me so sad. When I work like this I end up not doing my homework ever.. Its bad. I just can't wait till dylan moves here. It will be so perfect honestly. I can't wait to get out of school only one more month and the schedules are like short till the end now. It will go by wayyyy fast. I can't wait. I just want to spend more time with Dylan. I'm always pissy because I just have so much to tell him but theres things that just get lost in communication when its through texting. I really need a new phone.. Like it's so bad. I don't know I'm being cheap I don't want to get it yet. Ugh I'm so tired. I'm just writing this to waste time till Dylan gets out, which should be soon. Hopefully.

Driving

My Dad finally took me out driving today. I drove on the road for the first time ever. It was nerve racking but I think I did good! go me

Am I a cute girlfriend yet?

I can see us growing up

So much has changed in the past two years. We have both grown so much. Every year, several months, every anniversary really, I see us growing. If I flash back to July 2013 I was only 15 years old. I wasn't very healthy I wasn't doing very well in school I was hanging out with the wrong cloud.. now it's completely different for me. I'm thinking about college, focusing a lot on my grades, I'm running, I'm just getting older. The same thing for Dylan, he has accomplished a lot recently and I couldn't be more proud. He trained out of the blue to run a 10K and was amazing. He ran it under and hour. He is doing so good with getting into shape, and now he's going to focus on building muscle which is a plus for me. I'm just kitten, I always loved his body but I'm glad he's getting even healthier. I like it because it keeps me motivated to do better for my self too. We are not just a mentally healthy relationship but now physically healthy. He is also applying for colleges finally and looking for a big boy job. I'm so glad he is getting ready to change his life in all these good ways. He's moving forward and growing up. Not only is he going to get a better job, he's also going to move back to Emmaus soon and I couldn't be more excited. In only a couple months he will be only 10 minutes away from me. This is a big step for us, because this is going to mean a lot more time for us to spend with each other. Losing the distance will save extreme gas money. I think it will help us a lot. This week starts another couple months of only seeing each other once a week. This is really hard for me especially without my brother here. I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe it will be okay, because hopefully with the warmer weather I can do more running and exercising outside. It will be a rough couple of months but we've done it before and we'll do it again. I'm not scared we will do just fine. We started it with an extra long weekend together so I think this week will be okay. This weekend was perfect though. I spent 3 days at his house. I got to spend time with his mother and sister which was really nice, we went out to eat while he was at work. We got to have some girl time which I never have, ever. Layla even talks to me about boys and problems she has which I think is great. I like being able to talk to her and help her. Next year she will be at the same school as me too so that will be fun. I just love the family atmosphere they have at their house. And I like how they make me feel like I belong. But anyway It was the best weekend I've had in awhile. I got to sleep with my love and wake up next to him. Even though his bed is too tiny I love sleeping next to him. I loved getting the chance to go to his race and see him. I'm so proud. I'm proud of all of them. So here is to our Year and 9months, and to many many more to come.

Navy

I can't believe he left already. It seems like just yesterday he signed up. I couldn't be more proud of him. I think this is a great career choice for him. He is going to be so healthy and get to travel. I know that he will be great  in boot camp he's strong. Even though I support his decision of joining the navy I'm going to miss him lots. He was always there for me, I mean he had to be he's my brother. But we were just so close and its hard not having him around. I'm kind of nervous for it only to be my father and I. He just gets so angry and sometimes I can't handle it. Now Marks not here dealing with my Dad with me. I just feel alone. Don't get me wrong I have Dylan but when he's at work its just me and my thoughts. I'm trying so hard to just be happy but it gets hard. One minute i'll be laughing and having a good time and then i'll be upset. I just feel like crying all the time. A lot of my friends don't understand why I'm so upset. You get really close with your family when there is a loss of a loved one. When my mom passed away I think that's when I started getting close with my brother. He was the only one that know what I was going through because he was going through the same thing. I don't think many people have a bond with their siblings like we did. We had to mature at a young age. But he was always my older brother. He always had to be the role model. And don't get me wrong we, its not like we never fought. We would fight so so much when we were little and now. But we have a lot more good times than bad. Not only did we handle the loss of our mom together but then there was my Dad. After my mom passed away my father changed. I can't even remember the old him. He is nothing but angry and depressed these days. I never confided in my father, in fact we barely ever talk. I always went right to mark when I had any problems. I love my father but sometimes I just cant handle him. He gets so mad and nothing. It gets mad at his life and takes it out on everyone else. It makes me feel bad because I can't make him happy. Why is he so upset? am I really that bad of a child? I try so hard, to keep my grades up and just be a good kid. I don't lie to my father I never get into any kind of trouble but this is just not good enough for him. I just don't understand it. And I've lived with this since I was just a little kid. Thankfully I have Dylan and his family. They are so caring and they mean so much to me. I don't think I could do this without them. I honestly love Dylan so much. He makes me feel better. When I'm with him he knows how to calm me down and just be able to relax. He is my forever.

life😂

I'm really happy Im finally running again and its starting to warm up a little. I really want to get healthy, and working out helps me stay occupied and not just be alone with my thoughts as much. I've been really on edge lately, and I think its because everything is about to change. Only about 2 weeks to go and honestly its so hard to think about. I'm trying to keep myself occupied but its hard because I don't really want to do anything expecially on the weekend. I just don't like going anywhere without Dylan and then when he's at work and my brother is in Georgia I'm just bored. And then I start thinking about how everything is going to change in the next couple months. Marks leaving, I'm starting work, Dylan is going to have a real job or go to school and this might be the last time that we have a set schedule for awhile. I just don't want to take it for granted anymore. I want to have fun again and jot just be stressed and take it out on him. He's  what makes me happy and I need to stop finding reasons to lash out. Sometimes I just don't get what's wrong with me. I'm not myself lately and I hope he realizes that and doesn't take my additude personally. I think he understands that I'm just having a hard time with everhthing. But Im going to try my hardest to control my emotions better and not get upset over dumb things so we can get back to laughing and having fun. I can't believe we've been together for almost 2 years already.. He's honestly changed my life so much for the better. If it wasn't for him I'd still be hanging out with the wrong crowd and the weird part is I think he's a big reason why I lost a really long friendship. And I think that friendship was getting me into a lot of bad situations so I think I should be thankful. It was right around the time Dylan and I were getting serious when my friendship started changing and we weren't communicating as much and then there was sneaking around and back stabbing and all that horrible stuff and he was there for me. Dylan is not only my boyfriend but my best friend and my sole mate. We are so different but it works and he has my heart. And he made me a better person. I'd probably be dead by now without him. I've also started making better friendships with girls because I realized not every girl is a liar and I can trust other people I just trusted the wrong person before. But I met this girl I relate so well with and study hall is so fun because we just talk and talk and talk, I haven't had that with a girl I can relate to in a long time. I've met I lot of great people this school year. Having them to talk to helps a lot. But I just I can't get out of this funk because I'm losing my brother for 4years. Its crazy to think about but I keep thinking its just him moving out. He is 20 its that time. Its just weird because he is also my best friend and I like to consider his friends mine because they are great and now they're going to be gone too. Joey is already gone and he was also like a brother and I just can't wait for them all to come home. One of my brothers old friends Sebastian came by the other day and he was like shocked that big mark was leaving. Its weird to see how much they both progressed. I think my brother has come really far but his friend hasn't really done anything. That seems crazy because it seems like mark has been through so much since graduation. But it was nice seeing them together made me feel like it was freshman year again and I didn't have to worry about what I'm doing after high school and having to figure out what I want to do with my life. Ugh just so much going on, so much that in have to think about alone. Because I usually just ask mark this kind of stuff. But I need to go solo on this because its my future. And I just need to realize its okay hell always be in my life because he's my brother but he needs to do this right now. I have dylan so I think I will be okay. I'm going to focus on bettering my relationship and building my body to a healthy standard and writing my brother I guess. 👍👌