Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Changes
I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life. I feel like so many things are changing. Starting a new job meeting new people making new friends.. That's a lot of change for me. Especially the new job, i start this weekend it's a little nerve racking. I'm scared of messing up, and doing something wrong. I'm scared i'm not going to make any friends and just be shy the whole time. I'm trying to not worry and just let it happen, I keep telling myself it will be fine just relax. I'm finding it harder to relax lately. I'm mostly getting frustrated with my school work. I don't know if i'm not paying attention or what but i just never know what i'm doing anymore. I try to pay attention and understand but i just don't. That's when i get frustrated. From the moment i wake up i can't wait for it to be the end of the day so i can just lay down and relax. Morning comes so fast though. I feel like 90% of my life is waking up, and that struggle. Why is it so hard for me to get up? I usually get enough sleep, but still i'm always exhausted when i wake up. I'm also always extremely tired at night, usually. I just never feel energized. I find it hard to keep up with my runs because i just want to lay down.. I want to feel energized again. I don't want to feel bleh like i do now. It's not like i'm not happy, i'm not really upset, besides some exceptions things are all right. I have a loving boyfriend, I'm making new friends and getting closer to some that have faded since last year. I just need to get through the rest of the school year and i think i'll be okay. I can't wait till summer. By then i'll be used to work and get to see my lovey more often. I wish i had that chance now, I think that would make me less stressed but i can manage.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Rant~
I honestly want nothing to do with you anymore. I tried so many times to make you see you are fucking up your life and that your actions are whats causing everything in your life. The last 5 years we've been like sisters, told each other everything. But now that you know what boys are that's literally all you care about. You make them your life, even when you just met them. You conform to their likes, their wants, their interests. I've tried to stick by you and help you even though you got into dumb things and lied to me along the way. You never listened to me. You like drama, you feed from it. If nothing is going on you will make a problem. You need that, i don't understand why but you do. You enjoy attention from problems. You lie constantly. And sometimes i just can't rap my head around why you do the things you do. I can't help you anymore, i can't be there for you, because you tried to use me and lie to me. I loved you like a sister and i stood up for you when girls were being bitches for you, I tried to help you when ever i could and what do i get, i get your lies just like everyone else. Are you honest with anyone? You didn't want to get me involved? bullshit. Bullshit, that's just another lie. You wanted to do anything to see your old folk of a boyfriend, including using me for rides. So explain to me how my boyfriend driving him to your house isn't getting either of us involved. Like what the hell. You don't think i would have recognized him when we pulled up? I'm not retarded. You think you are an amazing liar, no you make up ridiculous things. Whenever you try to lie you make sure you have a lot of details. That's your tell, you think it out way too much. I just stopped questioning what you said because honestly i just didn't care anymore. I have problems too, i get upset too, not that you really ever cared. And I guess you really didn't ever care, because you completely just dumped me because you didn't want to hear my shit about you boyfriend. Well newsflash i'm just telling you the truth. It is disgusting. He is a deadbeat. He has no income, hes not going to school, he doesn't have his license.. hes like what, 22? Like he needs to be getting his life together not banging a 15 year old girl. You are a kid. You are not an adult and you know absolutely nothing, but you think that you are all knowing. You are easy and guys end up liking you because you're probably going to put out. You are a child. You think like a child. You love attention, especially when its guys. Honestly, you lied right to my face. You used me. At least tried too. So i hope you have fun with your pothead of a friend. I'm sure he'll be able to take great care of you. It's okay i'm done too. I don't need a friend that lies and does such dumb things. Get some sense. Get your priorities straight. I have so much anger in my head but i stayed calm when i confronted you and you had nothing to say. Then you write me a note. You can't man up and say it to my face? Okay. I wasn't mad that you haven't been telling me things, i don't care i knew you weren't. I haven't told you things for the past almost year. I'm mad because you lied and tried to use me. So i'm done, honestly you've done some messed up things but this is it. So have fun. Good luck.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Think Positively
I've been thinking about a lot lately. Who i want to be, what i like, what i'm good at.. etc. I feel like my head is going to explode and i think that's why I've been so irritable lately. I feel like i'm being overly emotion. Expressing my feelings too much, and expressing them for reasons that are non existent. Maybe i think that because i'm only around guys. They don't show feelings like girls, so maybe that's what is overwhelming me, the fact that i'm out of place. No, there's something wrong though, this isn't right. I'm crying way too much and getting way too worked up over things that don't matter. Maybe it's the time of the year still, Easter was never a good day for my family. But besides when i'm upset, I've things have been good lately. I'm not sad, I'm happy. Despite all the shit that i'm thinking about that's messing me up, I'm happy with my relationship. My relationship is whats keeping me sane. It is keeping me in line, and he makes me feel so much better. I'm better when i'm with him. We laugh, we cuddle, we are perfect in my mind. Right now i can say he is the only thing keeping me happy right now. I feel like the only family i have is detaching right now. Growing up, I was also extremely close with my brother. He was always the one that i went to, I was practically raised by him. He showed me how to deal with things and he basically is the reason I am the person I turned out to be. When i had a problem i went to him, no matter how bad it was he always could help. I felt like if i told him everything would be better hes my big brother he can fix it. But as i'm getting older its not that easy anymore. Either i'm at school or he's at work. We never have time to just hangout and talk anymore. There is a lot of things i don't feel comfortable about telling him. I think that's why I'm feeling the way i am, maybe that's why i'm being over emotional. I don't have him to make things better. We are still very close but he doesn't know a lot of the things that happened in the last couple months. I went down a lot of shitty paths. I'm just about over them now though. I hope things will go back to normal, or be better than normal. I am absolutely in love with my relationship right now. My deer is perfect. I feel so much more attached now, than i was before everything that happened. He is mine, i want it to stay that way. I don't want anything more. I honestly love him with all my heart. I want him to be my forever. That seems extremely ridiculous to say since we are teenagers. I realize that but honestly, right now i need him. I need him. When i'm not with him that's when i start to think, and just get sad. I don't want to be sad, i don't want to feel like this anymore. Being upset is a waist of time. There is nothing you can do about the past, what happened happened it can't be changed. So there is no use getting upset over it. The only thing there is to do, is to move on and let go. When people talk about my mother, or bring her up or anything i don't want to get sad. I don't want to be sad anymore. Its been 9 years now. I loved her very much and i can't express how much i miss her and wish all this could have just not happened but i don't want to feel like my life is some huge mistake because of it. Yeah i bet my life would be a million times better if she never got sick but she did i have to except the fact that this is my life. If i don't like it i need to do something about it instead of this blaming it on the fact that my mom passed away and my dad is miserable and we are broke. I'm 16 years old. I don't want to think my life is shit i have so much time to change it. I have so much time to become what i want. I want to be able to say i love my life, i love myself, i love my family. I want everything to be alright. I need to stop looking at the bad and start looking at the good. The positives in my life, that's what matters. For one i have an amazing boyfriend who cares about me and does so much for me. He is my everything and i am so thankful for that. How did i get someone like him, how does he put up with me. I love him so much. Not only do i have my boyfriend but i also have my brother. He will always be there for me, and i know that no matter how much i fuck up he will be there for me to fall on. He has always been there for me. He is my older brother and he takes care of me in so many ways. I can't count how many times that he had my back. There is also my father. We might not always see eye to eye and get a long but i still love him. He had to raise two kids by himself after losing the one that he loved. I respect him for that. I don't doubt that was hard. He has been through so much, and i wish i could make him proud and realize that everything is okay. He is not the person I grew up with he changed after my mom died. I'm not sure that i know him anymore, but i love him i know the real him is in there somewhere. He will always be my father no matter how mad or upset he gets me. Those people are how i survive. I need all of them. I love all of them. I know that as long as i have them in my life i will be okay. This is a really confusing and overwhelming period of my life but i see now that everything is okay. Things are going to get better. I want to stay positive. I'm not going to lie i still have wants. I don't miss the people i smoked with but i miss the feeling it gave me, i don't know why but I've been thinking about that a lot. I don't wan to be a pot head, i don't even think i want to smoke again but i miss that feeling. But i don't want to miss it. I don't need that to be happy, there's a lot other things that are so much more important than me than that feeling. So i'm going to continue to keep myself occupied and to stop that feeling. So i'm leaving with this, I'm happy and yes i do love my life. I don't want to die, i don't want to hurt myself. I want to keep moving forward and looking at the positives.
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