17

I'm finally 17. Not the biggest accomplishment in life but I embrace getting older. Now I can say I'm almost 18. I feel like I could never wait to grow up and I still get the feeling sometimes that I just want to fast forward to start my actual life of having a family and a real job.. but now that graduation keeps coming faster and faster... I'm not sure if I'm ready to adventure into the real world. Life is so easy when you're just a kid in high school. You don't have to do anything, except for school work. But that's nothing compared to paying bills working a daily job and long hours. I respect my father for being ontop of that kind of stuff.(most of the time at least) It just seems scary. Now I'm not sure if I'm ready to be 18. This past month I've realized that I still have a lot of growing up to do. For some reason I'm like going back to that really shy period of my life. I can't help but get over whelmed lately from going anywhere near outside of my comfort zone. I'm starting to almost panic at dumb small things that involve me being social. I'm not really sure why its happening. I don't mean to be like this, I wish I could just suck it up and not let it bother me. But I literally feel sick to my stomach because I'm that stressed out about talking in front of a crowd. I'm not sure what to do. I thought I was getting better. My boyfriend suggested that I should ask my doctor about anxiety medicine. I see what he is saying, and I think that could possibly help. I just don't know what it will do. And I would stress out about talking to my dad about it, I don't think he believes in that kind of stuff to be honest.. But then again hes taken medication for depression a few years back and pain pills and all kinds of stuff like that. Maybe he does notice that I can get really stressed out and over react to small things and get super nervous for no reason. Maybe he'll think it would help me. I don't know, I'm just afraid that he wont believe me or say I don't need it or something like that. I don't want him or my brother to think I'm dumb because they don't think I need it. Maybe I don't. Maybe its just a stressful time. I've been finding myself with a lot of time on my hands and that's never good. I used to be so good at finding something to do with myself while Dylan was a work like drawing or running or scrap booking but recently I just don't know what to do with myself. I have no interest in drawing or running or anything. I don't know what is happening maybe its just because its cold out. Or maybe its because everything is changing with my brother leaving and joey leaving in 4 days. Its going to stink seeing him leave and my brother being alone. I'm pretty sure tomorrow is going to be the last time I'll see him in a long time. I think I'm just in a rut. I'm not unhappy, but I just don't have ambition to do anything. When I don't have anything to do I start thinking about my mom which is weird because I don't have a reason to right now. I just can't wait for it to be warm so I can hopefully get into better shape and see my deer more because I miss him so much. I think that might be playing a roll in this change I'm seeing in myself. Seeing him less gives me more time to myself which I don't need. It's kind of scary because this is only the beginning of us having a hard time to see each other. Eventually Dylan is going to have to go to college and what is going to happen then. Are we going to go to the same college? close colleges? when will we even see each other. Its so hard to even think about it. I'm just so scared of us not being able to see each other. I want us to be together always. I love him and I just always want to be around him. But anyway I'm getting way way off topic here. I was righting this about my birthday. I had a great two days. I spent the day before with my wonderful boyfriend and his family and then my birthday I spent the whole day home on a snow day with my loving family. I got wonderful presents some jewelry and a new camera that I'm in love with. Its a mini Polaroid camera that is just so cute and ugh my boyfriend is amazing at gifts.