17

I'm finally 17. Not the biggest accomplishment in life but I embrace getting older. Now I can say I'm almost 18. I feel like I could never wait to grow up and I still get the feeling sometimes that I just want to fast forward to start my actual life of having a family and a real job.. but now that graduation keeps coming faster and faster... I'm not sure if I'm ready to adventure into the real world. Life is so easy when you're just a kid in high school. You don't have to do anything, except for school work. But that's nothing compared to paying bills working a daily job and long hours. I respect my father for being ontop of that kind of stuff.(most of the time at least) It just seems scary. Now I'm not sure if I'm ready to be 18. This past month I've realized that I still have a lot of growing up to do. For some reason I'm like going back to that really shy period of my life. I can't help but get over whelmed lately from going anywhere near outside of my comfort zone. I'm starting to almost panic at dumb small things that involve me being social. I'm not really sure why its happening. I don't mean to be like this, I wish I could just suck it up and not let it bother me. But I literally feel sick to my stomach because I'm that stressed out about talking in front of a crowd. I'm not sure what to do. I thought I was getting better. My boyfriend suggested that I should ask my doctor about anxiety medicine. I see what he is saying, and I think that could possibly help. I just don't know what it will do. And I would stress out about talking to my dad about it, I don't think he believes in that kind of stuff to be honest.. But then again hes taken medication for depression a few years back and pain pills and all kinds of stuff like that. Maybe he does notice that I can get really stressed out and over react to small things and get super nervous for no reason. Maybe he'll think it would help me. I don't know, I'm just afraid that he wont believe me or say I don't need it or something like that. I don't want him or my brother to think I'm dumb because they don't think I need it. Maybe I don't. Maybe its just a stressful time. I've been finding myself with a lot of time on my hands and that's never good. I used to be so good at finding something to do with myself while Dylan was a work like drawing or running or scrap booking but recently I just don't know what to do with myself. I have no interest in drawing or running or anything. I don't know what is happening maybe its just because its cold out. Or maybe its because everything is changing with my brother leaving and joey leaving in 4 days. Its going to stink seeing him leave and my brother being alone. I'm pretty sure tomorrow is going to be the last time I'll see him in a long time. I think I'm just in a rut. I'm not unhappy, but I just don't have ambition to do anything. When I don't have anything to do I start thinking about my mom which is weird because I don't have a reason to right now. I just can't wait for it to be warm so I can hopefully get into better shape and see my deer more because I miss him so much. I think that might be playing a roll in this change I'm seeing in myself. Seeing him less gives me more time to myself which I don't need. It's kind of scary because this is only the beginning of us having a hard time to see each other. Eventually Dylan is going to have to go to college and what is going to happen then. Are we going to go to the same college? close colleges? when will we even see each other. Its so hard to even think about it. I'm just so scared of us not being able to see each other. I want us to be together always. I love him and I just always want to be around him. But anyway I'm getting way way off topic here. I was righting this about my birthday. I had a great two days. I spent the day before with my wonderful boyfriend and his family and then my birthday I spent the whole day home on a snow day with my loving family. I got wonderful presents some jewelry and a new camera that I'm in love with. Its a mini Polaroid camera that is just so cute and ugh my boyfriend is amazing at gifts.

I tried

23 Promises Every Girl Should Make To Her Best Friends And Keep Forever

1. I promise to disagree with you often, love you always and respect whatever it is you decide.

2. I promise to tell you that he’s allwrong for you, but support you regardless

3. I promise to hold your hair back, even though it’s 9 am and you’ve been puking for the last eight hours and I don’t even know whose apartment we’re at.

4. I promise to take the fall for something you did – knowing full well that you’d do it for me in a heartbeat.

5. I promise to fight with you, to force you to step outside of your comfort zone.

6. I promise to laugh at you when you fall: down the stairs, at a party, on the sidewalk, on the catwalk. I promise to laugh so hard I actually start to pee a little.

7. I promise to tell you when you’re making a mistake – and then help you get out of it.

8. I promise to remind you, always, that things could be worse.

9. I promise never to show up empty-handed and to bring enough wine and cheese for the both of us.

10. I promise never to tell you that things will be all right because, honestly, I don’t know if they ever will be.

11. I promise to protect you from others – and sometimes even from yourself.

12. I promise to be there when you need me, to come running as fast as I can and to be with you in spirit, in person or on the phone, so you’re never experiencing the tough stuff alone.

13. I promise never to bite my tongue and always to tell you how I feel – especially about the heinous pink top and those hideous sequined pants.

14. I promise never to sugarcoat the tough stuff and always to tell you the truth, even if it’s the last thing that you want to hear.

15. I promise to stand up for you, stand up to you and stand with you, even when I have no clue what we’re standing for.

16. I promise always to be your right-hand woman, your partner in crime, the yin to your yang, the Bert to your Ernie – no matter how many years it’s been since college or how long has passed since the last time we blacked out together.

17. I promise never to stand idly by while a man who you love disrespects you.

18. I promise never to tell you not to do the stupid stuff we all know you’re going to regret eventually. Instead, I promise to do them with you and we can regret them later.

19. I promise never to assume you want to share that chocolate bar, that pint of ice cream or that jar of Nutella – so I’ll just bring two instead.

20. I promise to let you run off and lose yourself, find yourself, reinvent and reimagine yourself, but I promise never to let you get so far as to forget your way home.

21. I promise never to tell anyone about that one time in college, or that one trip to the Caribbean, or that one time we… I promise to protect your secrets like they were my own.

22. I promise to make you want more, to make you reach for more, to make you want to do better than the shoes you’re standing in now — even when you don’t know what you want.

23. I promise to love you, unconditionally, through every high, low, peak and valley life takes us through.

Friday

I'm so glad midterms are almost done. Only one more to go, and its my best subject. It feels so good not having to study because for all my other classes I studied my little butt off. I studied from the moment I got home till about 9 or 10. I hated it and it got me so stressed out because I just couldn't look over everything or memorize everything. I did average on them so far... I'm pretty confident about geometry though. I know what I'm doing in that class and the formula sheet makes it so easy. Today wasn't that bad since I got my deer to pick me up after school. It took some persuading but eventually I got him to come. He had to go meet his brother anyway. So it alllll worked out. I'm so glad I got to see him. This whole only once a week thing is killing me. We were just seeing each other so much over the past couple weeks but now it just stinks. I just miss him so much, but he's making a lot of extra money with the less gas and the extra work. It's only for a little while so I'm just going to have to get used to it for now. I love when we are out and about around the area and see people I know. Considering only about two of my friends have actually met Dylan. But even people that I'm just aquatint with, it just feels good. I like showing off what is mine. I really like it actually. Now that I have a ring it makes me feel better at school, because I don't have to worry about people thinking I'm single. Like yes I'm currently in a happy relationship with the best boyfriend anyone could ever have, have a good day. I honestly can't believe its already been a year and a half. That is just crazy. I can't imagine myself without him anymore. I just want to spend all the time in the world with him that I can. Next year or the year after or whenever he decides to start college and I get another job it will be so so hard for us to find time. I can already see it happening. Which is why I don't want to pass up any opportunity that I have to see him. He is my rock and I love him with all my heart and I'm never letting him go.

The holidays continue..

I think I just ended my best year yet. My life chaned so much and I will never forfet a lot of things that happened thus year. There is honestly just so much that went on this year.

• First real job
• Permit
• Didn't touch a single cigarette 
• Maintained my relationship with my love
• Let go of the people hurting me
• Went to the beach with my boyfriend
• Stayed overnight
• Went to my first concert
• Donated my hair
• My brother joining the navy
• Made new friends
• Went to new York during Christmas
• Promise Ring

The list could keep going and going. And to top it all of I finished the year with a big bang. The last couple months held the best moments of the year. I went to New York for the first time, and even better it was the day before Christmas Eve. It was unlike anything I've ever seen, the buildings were much taller than I imagined. I learned a lot of history about the place, everything was just perfect. I loved seeing all the lights qnd seeing my first broadway show. I can't wait to go back, hopefully I'll get to take Dylan there one day. The next day was also a big day for me. Christmas Eve I went home with Dylan to spend the night with him and his family. We opened each others presents at midnight. That's when I got a great surprise and unwrapped a purse that had a small present in it, and as soon as I saw it I was so happy. Of course it was a promise ring from my love. I almost cried I felt the water in my eyes because I was so happy. I can't wait to see what 2015 has in store for us. I love him with all my heart I couldn't see myself without him. Here's to a year and 6 months and hopefully many many more to come. I'm confident that 2015 is going to be amazing for us. We have been golden lately. It went so fast I feel like we just got together not so long ago. I forget what it is like not to have him, I'm sure it was just horrible because he is just amazing to me. I will never let him go. My other presents were great I felt so loved, his family got so much for me. I wasn't expecting it at all, they are all so caring and I love them like they are my family. I can't wait to further my relationship with Dylan and with his family and getting to know them. I realized his little sister and I can relate on somethings and she's really nice and her and Dylan are just so Mich alike it's great. After a great Christmas Eve with Dylan I went back home to my first family and got to see my cousins that I haven't seen in a good 7years.. It was pretty good. It felt good actually being with my family. But the real fun started on new years with Dylan and our little group. We all went to a party and it was wild. I honestly had a great time. We were laughing at the dumbest things i don't even know what happen. I was saying weird things to all our friends who I usually don't say anything to and I was laughing on top of Layla. Soso many jello shots, they were so good. I'm just glad that I got to spend new years eve with Dylan and got to kiss him as the ball dropped and we hopped into the new year. That just makes me feel that since we started the year together great we are going to end it even better. After having just a great hangover the next day I got to spend another night with ba because we needed some alone time since we were with people for new years eve and new years day. Getting to sleep next to each other and waking up next to each other was what we needed. Then I woke up to dippy eggs and coffee. Boy am I spoiled 😘😍
Now I'm looking forward to my birthday turning 17 finally ✌
And then finally valentines day 💝💝💝