If i have to.. i'll deal

I'm in the process of losing someone. Someone that's near and dear to my heart. I messed up and i'm trying to make it up, but no matter what i do its not good enough. I don't think anything i ever do, will ever be enough to fix this. I deserve to be upset, for putting you through this. I don't know why, but i just can't let it go. I find myself chasing after you. I'm chasing after you just to be my friend. This might be selfish because I want you around for myself. You moved on. You could really care less if i left, you're tired of talking to me. You're just not mean enough to say you're done. You know i don't want to be done. That's right, i'm afraid of being done. I want you around. I want you in my life. I to be able to call you after a horrible day. I want to trust you. I  want to be there when you need someone to talk to. There's just something about you that i don't want to forget. 

If you end up deciding you've had enough,

i guess

i'll have to say goodbye

and just

deal..

Relationship

July 13th, 2013

Last week i got asked out by a wonderful person who i adore. We've known each other for a while now and ever since we started talking i knew there was something special about him. We met over Facebook and soon after talking on there we started texting. We would have fun enjoyable conversations about such random shit. One that i remember was about tanks and fish, cause fish are always a topic of choice... But anyway we finally met in person and realized we were ready to make it official. Its very unlike me to be in a relationship. Its different, and just kinda hard to keep up with. I'm that kind of person that likes to be free, and say what i want to who i want, when i want to. Now that i'm in a relationship i have to make sure i'm not flirting and stuff, which kinda happens a lot for me on accident. But now i buckled down and made sure everyone was on the same page as me. If i'm going to be in a relationship i'm going to do it right. I'm going to be the best dang girlfriend i can be. I like this kid a lot, and i really think its going to go somewhere, yet.. I still kinda am in that single mood. Don't get me wrong i like being in relationships, but i like when there's no complications. As a lot of my guy friends would know, i'm not one for complications. I unfortunately had to turn couple people down that i liked because it was just too complicated. If i want to be in a relationship i want it to be easy going, and enjoyable. I need to be comfortable with him and know that he cares about me and isn't just trying to hurt me in the long run. My previous boyfriends just weren't right and some turned into complete peckers. I was in a period of time where my relationships just weren't lasting. But i'm hoping this is going to be different. Its going really nice. I like where we are and he hasn't made me really mad or anything yet, so in my eyes its going pretty great! Welp, i guess this is just a check up. Its starting the second week today and i can't wait to see him. I haven't in a couple days cause he lives about 30ish minutes away which kinda sucks but whatever we can make it work.

bye!~

Does friendship mean anything?

Is friendship real.. When i think of a best friend, i think of someone i can talk to about anything and trust with my life. I think of someone that's always there when you need them and would stick up for you in a heart beat. Someone that would never turn on you or lie to you, or just plain mess with your head. I don't think of someone that would hurt you or purposely cause a mess of your life. I don't think of someone talking bad on you. Or someone sticking their noses into your stuff that deals not a thing with them. That's nothing like a friend. Friendship is based souly on trust. If you can't trust your friend are they really your friend? But if you can't trust your best friend who can you trust. Four years seems like a long friendship to me. I never thought my best friend would stab me in the back like this. But sadly, i was wrong. I don't even know if we're friends anymore.. I was always there for you, and stuck up for you, and i listened to your problems.. this is what i get for that? did i do something wrong? like i can understand you doing this to some guy that screwed you over, but why me? what did i ever do. Why are you meddling in my life right now. Can't you just let me be happy? Do you not want me happy.. is that it? i don't understand why you would want that. I mean i'm your friend. At least i thought you were. I guess i really don't know what i am to you anymore. Maybe you just wanted to get rid of me so you did something to piss me off. Well it worked so i guess.. uh take care. please don't continue meddling in my life.. please get the thrill from someone elses, not mine. please.

If I would listen my own advice I'd be much happier

Something i wrote a long time ago and felt like re-living.

Summer 2012
It was almost time to be worrying about school. Not just because I wouldn’t be able to sleep till any hour of the day anymore, but because I was going to be lost in my new school. When its summer you don’t need to worry because it seems like it will never end. I like to live in the moment and not worry about the future. Eventually it was about that time to start preparing for the new school year.. Going to high-school is a big adjustment. Just getting familiar with the school and your schedule is kind of weird to think about, same with knowing there’s going to be so many people in the halls that are older than you and actually know what their doing. Then there’s you…. having no clue where you are. A week or so before the school year of 2012-2013, I happen to meat this kid. His name was Remy. He talked to me on Facebook one day, I didn’t think anything of it because people always talk to others on Facebook  It happens No big deal. Then three or so days later we exchanged numbers that’s when we really started creating a friendship. He was going to be a sophomore this year and he knew his way around the school, I found that as a helpful resource to my situation being a freshman. Being the helpful person he is, when I asked about my classes he tried to explain the best he could how to get there. It helped a lot. I felt like he was this really nice kid, and I wanted to keep talking to him. I barely know what he looked like though because his profile picture was so old. He said he was ‘too lazy’ to take a different one. Eventually he sent me this picture. This is the first picture I’ve ever gotten sent to me by Remy. I thought he was kind of cute, typical guy friend. I knew I wanted to get really close with this kid. He was nice and texted me a lot. I wasn’t that much of a texter until he started texting me. Eventually we met in person which was funny cause it was for about 3 minutes at the end of the day. After we met I started getting feelings for him.. I started to think, damn.. this kid seems really great. As the weeks went on we continued talking more and more. We told each other about our home lives, and our problems. When ever I was upset or anything and had something wrong he tried to help. He was there for me. That was something i was lacking before him, someone that really cared. The months continued to go on, and I kept falling for him more, and more. I couldn’t help it, something just drew me towards him. About 2 months in of knowing Remy someone else tried to come into my life. I dated them for a whapping 3 days. They ended up breaking up with me because all they wanted was sex. I didn’t count it as a relationship, but it still made me upset. Remy was there for me. Then for another three months or so everything was just peachy. Until I tried to tell him I liked him. He didn’t feel the same. Not at the moment at least. Yet still he could stay up the same night and get past it and talk to me for the rest of the night. Everything was fine for a little but then he started becoming distant. We started not being able to hold a conversation. We stopped walking out together and he barely texted me. I kept asking him why. He would never tell me what I did that made him not want to be my friend. When ever I would try to understand he would get pissed off and just leave me hanging. This killed. The kid I became so attached to left. I cried a lot. So many pointless tears came out of my eyes. All I wanted to do was be his friend. That's all I wanted. I couldn’t understand why he would do this to me.. when I would never dare hurt him like he's hurting me. It didn’t make sense to me. We would start talking on and off for awhile. Almost good conversations, but very bad conversations. Then my birthday came around January 26th 2013. That morning I found out one of the reasons he stopped talking to me. He said it clear as day. He thought I was a whore. He said he stopped talking to me because he didn’t know how many other guys I was talking the same way with. That really fucking killed. I was dead after reading that. I chucked my phone on the floor. Started shaking because I was crying so hard. My eyes were blurry and I just didn’t even want to do anything at the moment. I finally decided I had to reply and tell them it wasn’t true. I told them I would never do that and how much it kills that they thought that. What really sucked was I didn’t think he believed me. I damn well know he was the only guy I was even talking to at the time. Only guy. My friends even know that. I wouldn’t shut up about the guy. To hear the guy I thought of as my best friend tell me that I was a whore and that's why he stopped talking to me. My heart was broken. I stopped texting him after that. I told him believe me, don’t. whatever. I’m done trying to make you trust me even though I gave you no reason not to. He's the one that would lie to me. I did nothing wrong. nothing. Later that day he did apologize.
"i don’t think you’re a whore, but what im saying is you should relax on all that stuff and just focus on making friends. If you want a boyfriend talk to someone and not 30 other guys. I think you’re really nice and im sorry to have upset you. If you don’t wanna talk then i understand happy birthday  i hope you have a great day. thank you for always being there for me, even though i don’t show my great-fullness i really do mean it thanks for reading this if you do."
"i don’t dislike you. you’re a great friend and im sorry for treating you terribly. im gonna change."
He said he was going to change… He has yet to change. He’s back to not talking to me.
I was flipping through my phone pictures when i saw this. Instantly our whole story between us flashed before my eyes as i started to tear up. He left me. I’m alone again. Why did i have to fuck this one up. I miss you more than ever and you cant even look at me when you see me in school. I miss us talking all night on the phone, i miss killing you on xbox i miss your singing, i miss your bad accents, i miss having someone to talk to, I miss your advice, I miss your voice, I miss your meanness towards me. I miss you, you obviously don’t miss me. I have to move on.. But i still keep trying to make you see I want us to be friends again. I don’t want this to be the end. Yet i can’t help it if it is.