Depression, what really is it? Do I know what it is, do I really? I'm not depressed, I'm productive, work, gym, friends, music, coffee, shopping. I do so much to use up this little free time before I start that great night shift. Everyday every week, I'm not tired. I'm living, that is what I'm supposed to be doing right? I'm supposed to be living, I'm young, I'm naive. Oh this is just the first time, there will be many more... Well what if I don't even know if I'll survive the first? Oh shut up, you're fine. Don't you remember acouple hours ago? You were cracking up about something dumb, like usual, and you were happy. You're not depressed. You're not depressed now, you weren't depressed then. What is depression? Is depression not being able to sleep without having dreams that make you cringe on how much you hate this change, you're not good enough, you were never good enough, you never will be good enough. No, they are just dreams, don't get yourself so worked up about something that isn't real. But it is real, I lived it, is this just how I'm always going to feel? I guess I'm in a cycle, I have been sent back to middle school. When I thought I was "depressed", I wasn't depressed. I got picked on, boohoo, that's no big deal. You have been through worse to let words mess you up, how could you ever let words hurt you, how could words make you hurt yourself? You weren't depressed. You're still not depressed. Am I? Who am I? I don't even know anymore. Will I ever know again? I guess I'm starting from scratch.

Checking up

Here I am about to turn 19 years old in a couple days, attending my second semester of college, and just flying through life. I feel so old, I'm just getting older and older and life is getting harder and harder.. But in a good way, challenges are good. Right now I am taking on one of my biggest fears and taking a speech class, although I find myself terrified every moment of class I hope that this really does help. I feel my relationships and people around me fading because of how hard it is for me to continue to communicate with people. I will be able to achieve this I have confidence.

Anyway I think I'm doing good, although I have been missing my brother a lot. I often think about just miss having him around. After he was here for two weeks its hard to readjust. I miss my big bro, he means a lot to me but hes doing big things and I'm proud of him.

I am also still happily in love and content with my best friend. We are currently taking speech together to hopefully make this class easier for me, and even talking about getting our own cell phone plan together. Lol big steps, I know. But it really is the little things that make you know that it is going good. We are not moving too slow but on pace with our age. We are just having fun, together. Although we have stressful school, we take the time we have to have fun and relax and be college kids. I could not have asked to spend this time with anyone else. I love him so much.

I honestly cannot wait to see what our future holds