I'm trying not to let this weekend upset me. I'm trying to not get upset thinking about my mother. I want to stay happy. I'm tired of being sad, i want to stay happy. I'm fine when I am doing things and I can get it off of my mind, but when I'm alone.. I don't know it gets harder. It gets harder to not upset myself. I think I've been better this past week or so. I've been thinking about I'm trying to stay positive. The other day, while i was running i started thinking. I was thinking about who i was. I'm content with myself for the most part right now. For the last couple years I've been developing changing and growing. I've been changing my interests my image. I'm active, i run and get some exercising in most of my days. I've also been drawing more, and the pictures that I'm drawing I'm working really hard on. When i make something I'm proud of, that makes me feel good. I'm controlling my weight for the most part too. I'm not exactly where I want to be but I'm getting there hopefully this summer I'll get to my ideal weight. I've also just started a job, I'm making my own money and being responsible. That makes me feel pretty good about myself too. I've also been trying to get my grades back up, even though school is almost to the end I want to start doing all my work again. It will probably get harder now that i don't have the weekend to relax but I want to push myself. I know I can handle this, I just need to be confident. My relationship is helping a lot lately. He in a way controls my mood, when I'm struggling, being able to talk to him and let out a cry or so helps. I feel better when I'm with him. I don't like that i have to see him less because of my work but i still see him that's all that matters. He's been putting up with a lot lately, and I feel bad for being emotional and all that but i honestly can't help it lately. My mind just doesn't want to relax right now and i don't know why. I don't want to feel how I've been feeling lately. I don't know why i keep thinking about losing my mom or why everything is stressing me out so much. My theory is because the only female figure, i guess you could call it, that i had in my life is gone now. I guess I'm feeling confused about somethings. I don't know who to talk to about things that girls my age usually turn to there mothers for. I almost had that with my friend but that fell apart. In a way I feel alone. I know I'm not, because i have my brother and Dylan and even my Dad, but still there's just somethings that none of them can fix. I don't know how to find how to fix that. Honestly, these are things i need to deal with through another woman. I've heard that a million times, everyone tells me that oh if i need someone you can always go to this person or that person. I know, and that makes me feel good that i have those options but it's just not that easy. It's an uncomfortable topic, and I just can't bring myself to talk about it with basically anyone right now.. I'm lost. I can always talk to my boyfriend or brother but this is just different. That's the only thing that's holding me back.. I'm stressing about little things but that's the big one. That's what all the little things are surrounding, that I feel lost. I don't want to feel this way. I want to continue to feel better. I want to just be happy and not need to get my mind off things. I want to not have something that's holding me back. But for now I have to like what i did accomplish lately. My relationship, getting in shape, drawing, my appearance in general, school work.. I'm becoming the person I wanted to be. I'm becoming less upset, i guess you could say. In a way i feel bad for feeling how i feel because so many people have reached out to me and tried to help me, but I just wont take it. I don't know why.. But things are going to get better. Things will work out.
I honestly miss her a lot. I miss how much she loved me and how much i knew it. She was so good at showing it, and I always here stories on how much she loved my brother and I. I think the reason I like photography and art is because when I was growing up that's what i knew about her. I think that was my way of having a part of her. She is with me, her talent is with me. Life's confusing without you. I don't like being a teenager without you. I still cry my eyes out just thinking about you because i still miss you so much. It's been 9 years, it's still not any easier. I was only 7 and yeah i didn't have a lot of time with you but i remember you. I remember you a lot. Not a lot of people think I do because i was so young but there's a lot of things I remember. I'm making myself better for you, whenever i do something bad I think about you watching me. I know I've been making some bad decisions but i'm getting over it. I'm doing better. I'm a better person. I'm growing, It's hard without you but I'm doing it. Things would be so different if this never happened. I can't even imagine it, but i feel like things would be so much better. I always wonder if you'd like Dylan. Mom I have such strong feelings for him, I bet you'd love him just as much as I do. I think you'd feel like I made a good decision with him. You'd be so proud of Mark too. He has it hard, sometimes i worry about him but then I remember that he's strong. He was there for me so much before and after you left. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him and I wish you could see how close we are now, and how much he helps me. I try to help him like he helps me but I'm not as good at it, I'm not as strong as him. One day i will be. But until then he'll be there for me. I wish I could just tell you how much i love you.
