Depression, what really is it? Do I know what it is, do I really? I'm not depressed, I'm productive, work, gym, friends, music, coffee, shopping. I do so much to use up this little free time before I start that great night shift. Everyday every week, I'm not tired. I'm living, that is what I'm supposed to be doing right? I'm supposed to be living, I'm young, I'm naive. Oh this is just the first time, there will be many more... Well what if I don't even know if I'll survive the first? Oh shut up, you're fine. Don't you remember acouple hours ago? You were cracking up about something dumb, like usual, and you were happy. You're not depressed. You're not depressed now, you weren't depressed then. What is depression? Is depression not being able to sleep without having dreams that make you cringe on how much you hate this change, you're not good enough, you were never good enough, you never will be good enough. No, they are just dreams, don't get yourself so worked up about something that isn't real. But it is real, I lived it, is this just how I'm always going to feel? I guess I'm in a cycle, I have been sent back to middle school. When I thought I was "depressed", I wasn't depressed. I got picked on, boohoo, that's no big deal. You have been through worse to let words mess you up, how could you ever let words hurt you, how could words make you hurt yourself? You weren't depressed. You're still not depressed. Am I? Who am I? I don't even know anymore. Will I ever know again? I guess I'm starting from scratch.

Checking up

Here I am about to turn 19 years old in a couple days, attending my second semester of college, and just flying through life. I feel so old, I'm just getting older and older and life is getting harder and harder.. But in a good way, challenges are good. Right now I am taking on one of my biggest fears and taking a speech class, although I find myself terrified every moment of class I hope that this really does help. I feel my relationships and people around me fading because of how hard it is for me to continue to communicate with people. I will be able to achieve this I have confidence.

Anyway I think I'm doing good, although I have been missing my brother a lot. I often think about just miss having him around. After he was here for two weeks its hard to readjust. I miss my big bro, he means a lot to me but hes doing big things and I'm proud of him.

I am also still happily in love and content with my best friend. We are currently taking speech together to hopefully make this class easier for me, and even talking about getting our own cell phone plan together. Lol big steps, I know. But it really is the little things that make you know that it is going good. We are not moving too slow but on pace with our age. We are just having fun, together. Although we have stressful school, we take the time we have to have fun and relax and be college kids. I could not have asked to spend this time with anyone else. I love him so much.

I honestly cannot wait to see what our future holds

Well here I am. I graduated highschool and now im attending college and working and lifes feeling a little crazy. And now i finally got away from Dorney I got a new job. Today was actually my first day and for some reason I keep trying to relate it to Dorney. I just dont like being new and not knowing what im doing, at Dorney I always know what to do and im really good at my job but now at JJs its like a whole new world and it makes me so nervous. Im just glad i have such amazing support from Dylan he really keeps me from freaking out. I can do this👍

Senior year is flying by. I keep thinking about how this is my last everything. Like early when i had gym id always think about how that was my last workout Wednesday, my laat day to change, my last fitness test, and it was actually kind of crappy feeling. Which is weird becauae i hated all of that, and now i want to remember it. Just like now im working on my last research paper in my high school career. And thankfully im actually interested in this one. So maybe ill finiah with a bang. I've also been wondering around school and going different ways ive never been at just so i get the full experence or so it feels like it. Its really getting close. Senior 2016 ✌✌I cant wait to be with all my buddys and walk ar graduation. Its been a good year so far. Ive even made more friends which i didnt expect since its senior yere but im happy. Heres to a good end 🎓🎓

Well there's only 3 months till graduation, its getting so close. Im actually getting kind of excited. Although im not getting very far with losing weight I finally feel like im getting somewhere. I got my license which is a big step for me. Next weekend i think im going to start applying for lccc. Now i just need a car. I wouldnt have been able to do any of this without my ba. He supported me and really gave me the courage to get my license. He will always be my one and only. I also got my prom dress which was great. Dylan helped me pick it out and we found an adorable dress. Im so excited to go with him. We are going to look so good. 😍😍Its crazy that its almost 3 years, i still love you more and more everyday.

Wedding day

Saturday is the big day. I'm excited to see everyone but kinda nervous that it wont go so well. That side of the family doesn't favor mine because of the problems between my dad and my sisters mom. I hope everything goes well, but there is tension and I just hope nothing happens. First I'm going to take advantage of dressing up to take some pictures of my Baba and I. We haven't taken pictures in forever so I hope they turn out cute. But Tomorrow I start drivers training and need to find a ride to work so hopefully that goes well. I'm nervous about everything and nothing

Senior Year

Senior year is going pretty good so far. It's not as stressful this  year because I don't have as many classes as the other years. I keep thinking of things that haven't done and I feel like I have to accomplish them before I graduate. I keep thinking about how much happened in the last four years and how quickly it went. I can't believe that I'm graduating already. I think I'm ready, I just don't know what I want to do with my life. I know I want to do something that I like but there's nothing I can make a career out of. The only thing I'm really considering is being a cosmologist. Maybe be a hairstylist. I really like that kind of stuff but I don't know if that's a good career to go for or what. Anyway, things with ba have been going really good too. I'm a little moody and stressed out about somethings but we have been seeing each other so much. He takes me home after school everyday. All I want to do is put lazy clothes on cuddle and watch a movie with him. That's what I want to just relax and love each other. He's so perfect.